Monday, October 25, 2010

Applying the Atonement - The Spouse of an Addict - Her Journey of Forgiveness

The following comes from a sister who's husband is an addict.  In working with her, she eventually came to a point of forgiveness.  She desired to write her story and has given me permission to share it.  She writes in her own words:             
   Let me start before the beginning of my story. The home that I was raised in was not the best home. And at the same time, it was far better than most. I had both parents, and many siblings. We all hoped that you wouldn’t be able to see the problem that was bothering all of us. My father was an addict; my mother was a hard woman because of my father. My siblings and I did the best we could do with dealing with such a hard and grown-up thing as this.
                My father was not home most of the time during my childhood, either he was away working, or was kicked out of the house because of his addiction problem. My mother was very angry with my father for what he was putting her through. She would shut out the world, including her children. My mother would not give much attention to us. If attention was needed for nurturing, it was not very long lasting. When she had to give her attention to us for something that we did wrong, it was very hurtful what she chose to do us.
                As you can guess we, my siblings and I, did not have a good chance at being “normal”. But somehow, I made it out of the fray, and am living a healthy life. That miracle that has blessed my life has helped me to appreciate what my Father in Heaven has done for me. That he loved me so much that He gave me this disorder (ADD) to help shield me from the awful things that were going on in the home I grew up in. Because of this protection that I was blessed with, my siblings picked on me, teased me, and even hated me at times, because I was not affected by the problems around me to become damaged.
                These things that I have gone through did not make it any easier for me when my husband came to me and told me all that he had done. I was devastated to put it simply. My world had ended that very day. I felt the overwhelming feeling of pain and agony turning into numbness. I was lost as what to do. Before I was married to my husband, I told him that if he ever cheated on me I would leave, end of story. But I had a very strong feeling that I needed to inquire of the Lord as to what I should do.
                The night I had chosen to go to the temple was Stake Temple Night. While driving to the temple, I prayed like no other! I asked for my Father to answer my prayer, and give me guidance as to what I should do. When I arrived I was comforted like I have never been comforted before! It was amazing! As I sat in the chapel rolling over my question to Heavenly Father I heard in my mind, “Mallory, you can do this! You can walk the harder path of staying with your husband. We will be here cheering you on, and lifting you up as you work on forgiving your husband.” This first part was from family and friends that are on the other side already. I could feel their love for me and wanted me to be happy.  And from my Heavenly Father I heard, “Mallory, you have the choice to walk down either path of staying with your husband, or to leave him. Whatever you choose you shall be blessed. However, if you choose to stay with your husband, you will blessed beyond measure.”
                So I clung to those words and promises given to me. There were many days of tears. One time I had just put my oldest child down for nap time, and I walked out of his room, and just sat down on the stairs and wept until there were no more tears to weep. Hating the unfairness of the actions of my husband, and that I had to be in so much pain. That my marriage was fake! Hating the women for even being with him. It was overwhelming to feel all of this emotion. I couldn’t see any glimmer of hope to survive such intense pain. But, because I was instructed to tell my husband all that I was feeling because of his infidelity, that helped me to know that he knew how badly he hurt me, and that he was in agony seeing what he had done to me. Not in a spiteful way, but in a righteous way.
                There were days that I did not want to turn to the Lord for help. Those days were by far the worst days of my journey. By contrast; the days that I prayed and talked with the Lord continually about everything, were as if the angels were carrying me along and helping me to continue to be a good mother and house keeper.
                Most of the time I was numb. I wasn’t ready to face what I was dealing with. But I had to eventually. Mostly because Doug kept coming each week and asking me how I was doing.
                A few days after my husband had told me everything, a friend called me up and asked how I was doing. I lost it right then and there, and just broke down and shared what was happening. She has been a great strength for me as I was able to talk frankly about my feelings and frustrations about “men” along with the special bonding between two sisters.
                Being able to share those feelings and hurt with someone other than my husband and the Lord, gave me so much strength to be able to keep going down the path I had chosen. I had chosen to stay, and learn how to truly forgive. I had never truly learned how to do this in my youth. There is only so much that can be taught to you in church. No one was able to teach me how to put forgiveness into motion and not just say the words without actually forgiving.
                I never thought that it was my fault that my husband had cheated on me. Or that I was not enough for him. I didn’t have any doubts as to my physical and spiritual beauty. I didn’t have to struggle with those lies. For my Heavenly Father had already taught me what my worth was before my marriage.
                As I continued to read my scriptures and to pray, I was able to let much of my anger go, and have it replaced with peace. Till finally one day I asked Heavenly Father if there was anything else that I needed to do before I forgave my husband. All of the heartache that I had been pushing aside finally came into my heart. I felt as if my heart was going to tear apart because of the great pain I was feeling. I looked to my Father and told him all that I felt and what I thought. At the end of the day I then told my Father that I give this unto you now. I can no longer hold onto this. I am done. Please take this from me. The next morning I was at peace. I was happier than I had been in a very long time.
                Now when thoughts come to me about what my husband had done, I have to tell myself, “Stop that this instant! There is nothing else to do about this! You forgave him and you love him! Leave it alone!”
                I testify to you that whatever road you choose, you can find the healing power through the atonement! That you can forgive your spouse of the most hurtful thing that there is. You can have a happy life again! Don’t be scared to ask for help both from friends around you, and from our Heavenly Father. They want to help, you just have to reach out and ask for it.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Where is God - How to Reconcile the Aloneness of Abuse with the Knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven


it appears more and more evident from what clients say, that the sense of aloneness and abandonment/rejection hurts more than actual abuse.  It's as though the aloneness of having to go through and then deal with the after effects of abuse all by oneself magnifies and deepens the wound, the pain, the fear, the shame.  And it impacts the ability to have a healthy relationship with God.

I have a fourteen year old client who doesn't believe in God because God wasn't there, didn't stop his dad from emotionally and phsyically abusing him.  "If God is a loving Heavenly Father, then why didn't He save me?"

Telling him that God always provides a way out - via the Atonement - wasn't enough for him.  "So He's just there after all the bad stuff happens?  Why can't He be there before it begins to stop it from ever happening?"

Even after explaining agency and how God will never take away someone's agency didn't work.  "So God says He'll give everyone their agency and then turn a blind eye as people kill and hurt other people with their agency?"

So I remind him of judgement and how everyone will be held accountable.  "What good is that going to do me now, when I'm scared and hurt - wait for a few hundred years and then dad will get what's coming to him?"

No matter what I said, the bottom line was that life wasn't fair, that God wasn't fair, and that he was angry that God didn't protect him.

I reflected on my own journey, having many of the same thoughts this young man had.  How did I work through that?  There was a time when I was angry at God, when I couldn't understand why He would send me down to Earth and experience trauma. 

As I reflected on my spiritual progression, the thought came back over and over - how did I open myself up to love?  First, I worked through a lot of fears of opening up to someone else and feeling - connecting to that love.  I did it first with my wife, Stephanie.  Being able to feel her love was an incredible experience.  My heart soared.  I was so suprised.  This was what I had craved and searched for all along!  It felt so good, so healing. 

That process of establishing real, spiritual intimacy with Steph allowed me to try opening my heart up to Heavenly Father.  What I came to see was that God wasn't the author of my childhood abuse.  He was there in ways I wasn't aware of.  I was blessed to have a loving grandmother who showed unconditional love.  I was blessed to be able to dissociate and blank out, to be able to compartmentalize abusive experiences and store them away until I was old enough and ready to deal with them. 

Just because God didn't intervene on my behalf doesn't mean that He was complicit or approving of what was happening.  Just because He didn't stop the abuse doesn't mean He didn't love me.  And then as I look back, I see His hand constantly guiding me to healthy people, to professionals that know how to help me, to the Bishop who says just the right thing, or the member who understands the Atonement and can help me access it.  His hand guiding me from one part of the country to the other, always bringing me in contact with someone who will say something or do something or teach me something that will help me on my journey of healing.

I have come to understand that God is God because He understands the universal laws and obeys them.  He works within the law to save me.  And because He does that, I can have access to a portion of His love, His Spirit, His grace (enabling power).

I had to humble myself, to turn to God, even with anger and questions, and say "Okay, I can't handle this.  I don't understand why the bad things happened in my life, and I don't understand you very well, but I am clinging to the tiny hope, the desire, that you can help me.  I am out of options.  Please save me." 

I suddenly saw that the wounds I carried were beyond what I could handle.  Therapists, medication, retreats, hospitalizations, various alternative treatments - all helpful, but none of them were able to fully or completely heal me.  My wounds were beyond human ability to heal.  Only God - one as powerful as He - could reach into me and heal my brain, my heart, my body, my spirit.

Things started to happen then.  For the first time, I could feel His love in a very personal way.  It wasn't a global love - "God loves everyone."  No, it was a personal love - "I know you and I love you."  I was still going to therapy.  But now, it was as though the therapy sessions were super charged, as if every moment at the counselor's office was being magnified and consecrated to my healing.  Change wasn't being powered by my own energy or power anymore.  And then I was taught.  Simple truths began to burn inside of me when I heard them - as though I was hearing them for the first time.  This wasn't an intellectual learning - I already had that, and it hadn't helped me. 

No, this was a spiritual learning....like I was feeling the concepts with my heart, like I was learning not from mere words or books, but from something deeper.  The only was to describe it was that I felt the information.  My whole body felt it, my mind opened to it - not like memorizing for a test - as though I could suddenly "see" the concept.  I could hear the gospel discussion, I read the scriptures, but there was a kind of communication that was occuring that went beyond reading or speaking words.

Eventually, over time, I came to see how I had searched out Christ in a way I never had before because of the pain, because of the fear, because of the anger, because of the injustice of it all.  And He was there. 

And I have experienced healing.  I am thankful for my life - even the really bad stuff.  It brought me to Father in Heaven.  It made me search Him out.  It made me reach out to the Savior.  And the result has been miraculous.  I have experienced miracles just as powerful as any other miracle we read about in the scriptures.  And they have been miracles tailored specifically for me.  Any thought or belief that I am alone, that I have been abandoned has left me. 

I know by personal experience that Heavenly Father loves me, knows me, and is there for me.  I know Jesus Christ died for me personally - that He knew of my struggles, my wounds as well as my sins.  And He suffered for them, paid the demands of justice for me, and with no other thought than love and a desire to help me return to Him and the Father, He holds out His arms and asks me to come to Him.  No other words have been sweeter than the day I heard Him say to me, "You are mine."

What kind of suffering the Savior went through to save me, to bind up my wounds, to help me to overcome the effects of abuse - I can't comprehend it.  But He did that suffering.  He paid the ultimate price just so that there would be a way prepared for my healing, for my escape from the pains of the past.  He did this for me, for you, for that 14 year old whose dad beat him.  He has the antidote to the poison that had corrupted and harded my heart. 

Where was God when the abuse happened?  Right there with me.  He was there feeling the pain and sacrificing His life so that I could be given a way out.  He says, "I know that pain, Doug.  I know that feeling of being so alone.  I have experienced it.  And because I have, I know how to heal you.  I know what you need.  And I have the power to do just that."
 
Glory be to Him!  How thankful I am.  My heart fills with gratitude and awe. It is almost too much for me.  Truly, as John the apostle said, "We love Him because He loved us first."  His sacrifice inspires love.  His Atonement fills my heart with love.

 

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Common questions

            Question:  Even after being in recovery for a while now, I still seem to pick the wrong person.  Why is that?  If my “picker” is broken, how can it be fixed?
            Answer:  This is a very real concern for recovering co-dependents.  For many, the goal of recovery is to be able to be in a healthy, intimate relationship.  What is frustrating for many is that even after a period of time in the program, their goal remains elusive.  No matter how good this person or that person seems to be, the recovering person can easily end up with the same kind of dysfunctional and addictive partner.
            So how does one “fix their picker?”  The “picker” in this sense refers to the process one goes through as they choose a partner.  We are initially attracted to someone with our own disowned traits because it gives us a feeling of completion.  I disown my angry side, so I feel drawn to you because you readily express anger (Kasl, 2001).”  So what needs to be done is to own the parts we have tried to ignore.  The best way to do that is to become aware of our template of attraction.  There are four topics to focus on to help heal one’s template of what kind of a person you are attracted to, or end up with.  The first thing to do is to go through a period of abstinence.  This does not mean isolation.  It simply means that for a period of time, you won’t look for anyone or engage in an intimate relationship.  Using friends, sponsors and family members that are safe and healthy should still be sought out.  The main thing about being abstinent is that you spend time away from the hook up, the new love, the next relationship until after you have done some work on yourself.  Most time frames of being abstinent go anywhere from three months to a year.
            The next thing that needs to be dealt with to readjust your “picker” is that of examining childhood issues.  Reviewing your original relationships –with your parent(s), siblings, grandparents – is key to breaking faulty and dysfunctional templates.  Family of origin issues are major themes in the life of a recovering co-dependents.  If left unchecked, they will continue to haunt you and make recovery next to impossible to achieve.
            The third area of focus to “fix your picker” is that of boundaries.  The healthier your boundaries, the more apt you are to let go of the dysfunctional person.  Having healthy internal boundaries (how you deal with your emotions, your thoughts, your sense of self) and external boundaries (how you physically interact with others – including touch, sexual contact, self-protection) will cause you to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.  Having healthy boundaries will help you not to own or carry other people’s emotions.  Having healthy boundaries helps you to keep a well-defined sense of self, making it difficult to get lost in someone else as well as keeping people from becoming emotionally enmeshed with you.
            Focusing on these topics brings about the final change – that of changing our energy.  We all have energy that we give off and it helps attract certain types of people to us.  We are not always aware of our energy since it is not something we can see.  Yet this energy reflects where we are at in our own emotional and spiritual health.  “Man radiates what he is, and that radiation affects to a greater or lesser degree every person who comes within that radiation (McKay, pg. 87, 1962).”  What this means, essentially, is that if you’ve never deal with abuse issues from your past, you will attract people to you that like to be with victims – to rescue them, to control them, to use/manipulate them.  If you have done a lot of personal healing and growth, you will attract people to you that most likely have down their own healing as well.  Another way to put it is that we become attracted to people that treat us the way we see ourselves. 
Changing your template of what kind of a partner you want comes by looking at these topics and working on them.  If you believe you have done this and still find that you’re finding mister or miss wrong, do a thorough review of these issues.  Chances are there is still some work that needs to be done.
There is another point to examine in this discussion.  Even if you’ve gone through all the work listed and you still find that dysfunctional man or woman, instead of beating yourself up over it – look at how long you stayed with that individual before you decided to leave them.  In the past, you would have stayed with that person, trying to fix them or save them or get them to love you.  You would have made all sorts of excuses for the way he/she was treating you.  Now, as you’ve worked on yourself, if you find yourself involved with another dysfunctional person, you’ll recognize it faster and you’ll make your needs known faster.  And in the end, if you need to leave the relationship, you’ll do it quicker and without the emotional baggage that you used to carry with yourself.  You’ll be taking care of yourself – knowing what you want, what you need, and you won’t take less.  Being alone is not scary anymore.  The need to “make someone love you” is no longer needed.
           

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Getting in touch with feelings - a Cheat Sheet

Many recovering addicts struggle with identifying their emotions.  By the time an addict enters recovery, emotions have been squashed, ignored, and stuffed.  Why?  Because for most addicts, emotions are one of the reasons why they began using in the first place - feeling emotions hurt.  It's uncomfortable.  And if I can find a way to circumnavigate the law of opposition, I will.  I don't want to taste the bitter that I might know the sweet.  I don't want to feel sadness so that I might know happiness.  I just want the happiness and sweet all the time!

Remember that recovery from addiction - any addiction - is a spiritual process.  Reconnecting to our emotional states is a neccessary step to take.  How can I work through the process of repentance if I can't feel my emotions?

A common response to this discussion is for the addict to say - "I don't know what I feel any more."  The following is a cheat sheet to help you discover what you might be feeling.  By identifying your behavior, simply follow the chart and it will lead you to your emotion.  This will help you start to connect to your feelings. 

                                                      State of                                   Emotional
Behaviors                                     Being                                      Denial

Resentments, People Pleasing             disconnectedness                    Anger
Risk Taking                                         impulsiveness                          Fear
Lack of Empathy for Self                     numbness                                Pain/Sadness
Lack of Taking Ownership for Life      self-pity                                   Joy/Gratitude
Isolation OR Thrill Seeking                  boredom                                  Passion
Isolation OR Dependency                   loneliness                                 Love
Judging, Critical, Fault Finding             perfectionism                           Guilt, Vulnerability
Arrogant, Self Serving                         grandiose                                 Shame