tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61736847413490273002023-07-21T08:19:48.602-07:00Overcoming Addiction: A 12 Step Companion GuideDouglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-67852159531353165482011-10-17T17:25:00.000-07:002011-10-17T17:25:14.206-07:00new web site - please look!Hello everyone!<br />
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I have a new web site - filled with articles, exercises, a forum, and even a place for you to talk one on one with me. The site is <a href="http://www.lds-crr.com/">www.lds-crr.com</a><br />
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I will actually be switching over to this new site and posting there instead of thisw blog.Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-9024871158686544762011-06-27T05:12:00.000-07:002011-06-27T05:12:13.615-07:00Spiritual Signs of Co-DependencyCo-Dependency is not always easy to see. And in the LDS faith, since there is a great focus on service, it can become even more hidden. I see co-dependency as Satan's counterfeit to charity. The following list is an example...<br />
<u>True Principles Counterfeit</u><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0in;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Faith (trusting God)<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>If I can control you, then I can trust you</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0in;">Hope (from God)<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Trust in the arm of the flesh (hope in me)</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Charity<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Give until I’m exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No boundaries, no limits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to work my way into Heaven.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Be a Peace Maker<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Smooth-over everything and everyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No conflict, no anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep everyone happy</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0in;">Love<span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Enmeshed, Dependent, lost in each other</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Intimacy<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Intensity, support each other by saving/ fixing/ or turn a blind eye to spouse’s faults and sins – minimize them so that everyone is happy </div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Godly Sorrow<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Self Pity, putting myself down, beating myself up </div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Broken Heart/Contrite Spirit<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Self-Hatred, self loathing, secretly believing I am worthless, unwanted and undesirable</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0in;">Obedience<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Rigidity, extremism, judgmental</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Humble/Meek and Lowly of Heart<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Passive, Being a Door Mat, deny my gifts and talents, unable to take a compliment – either it makes my head swell or I push it away and discount it</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0in;">Disciplined<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Compulsive, giving 155%</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0in;">Committed<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Zealous, Obsessed</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Confidence<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Arrogance, need to be “one-up,” need the spotlight</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;">Surrender<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Lose the war, give up, be weak and powerless, without protection</div><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 3in; text-indent: -3in;"> </div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-5414314137345226522011-06-09T22:58:00.000-07:002011-06-09T22:58:41.786-07:00A Message of HopeMany times people struggling with addiction say - "I feel all alone. When I pray, it's like no one is listening." Trying to connect to God, to feel His love, His presence is often hard to access. One recovering person remarked, "I know I'm suppose to trust God, but I've never felt a bond or anything with Him."<br />
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Remember, every ah-ha moment, every time you gain some new insight, every time you feel someone else's love, every time you gain a new perspective - your eyes suddenly open to a truth you never saw before, all of these experiences come from the Holy Ghost. Every time a phrase hits you from the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual, even though you've read that chapter many times over, that is God teaching you, reaching out to you, talking to you.<br />
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The powers of Heaven are always there - either preparing you to experience God's love for you more fully, to actually have a moment of clarity and personal revelation, to having your own personal miracle with the Savior. You are never alone on this journey. Even something as small as having a twinge or a little thought pushing you to go to the recovery meeting - that is Heavenly Father talking to you.<br />
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The Adversary wants you to feel isolated and alone. But you are not. Many times you are being ministered to by some unseen messenger from Heaven. Every tiny step you take is motivated and supported by God.<br />
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Never stop looking for the Savior. The New Testiment tells of people climbing trees, forcing their way through a crowded street, walking for days, ripping apart a roof - all just to be able to see, hear, touch and talk with Jesus. King Lamoni said he would give up all his sins - all his traditions - his cultural based ceremonies and behaviors - everything that made him a Lamanite - to know God.<br />
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I worked with a young man for several months trying to connect to Heavenly Father. He'd pray, but never felt anything. He struggled in his addiction. He struggled with anger and pain and resentments. He became more and more despondent. Maybe Heavenly Father just didn't love him. We worked on removing stumbling blocks that kept him from God. As he worked to let go of all the stored resentments he had towards others - and he had many who had been unfair and unjust with him - a miracle happened one day. He was filled with an outpouring of love. He later said it was as if God was hugging him - it felt that real. This was what he had to give up - what he had to do to find God.<br />
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I promise you Heavenly Father is there. He wants you to succeed. The Savior wants you to come unto Him. He wants to heal you, to make you His, to have you be reborn.Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-34834508009324170542011-05-11T21:46:00.000-07:002011-05-13T13:35:56.018-07:00Overcoming Addiction is #3 on Top Ten Bestseller List!!!Deseret Books has me listed as the #3 bestseller ! My joy and excitement comes from the fact that the message is getting out - that help and extra support can be had by those desiring to access the Atonement of Christ.Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-24019878029201888792011-04-11T17:27:00.000-07:002011-04-11T17:27:09.556-07:00Love Avoidance - a Personal Story<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">The following is an example of how love avoidants attempt to connect to others, and the difficulty that comes from trying to gain intimacy in this manner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This comes from Jerry, a client I worked with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He kept a detailed journal while in a treatment facility for his sex addiction and love avoidance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He allowed me to take this part from his journal to help others understand love avoidance.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">When I was at The Meadows, I was entranced by my therapist, Beth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted her to love me and pick me above all the other members of the group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to feel special, but I never felt I could get close to her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One day I knocked on the group room door and asked if I could speak with her.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">I sat down and she turned from her desk and faced me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was suddenly nervous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What exactly was it I wanted to say?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That I loved her and wanted her to love me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That sounded way off kilter.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I don’t feel close to you.” I stammered out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Only for a second did she have a look of surprise on her face. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">“What do you mean?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I looked around the room, searching for the right thing to say.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It’s like …I can only get so close to you and then there’s this wall.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t I get inside?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead and knew I was wringing my hands, but couldn’t stop it.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">Beth sat back in her chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“You want me to let down my boundaries with you?” <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">I nodded my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Ok.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She situated her chair so she was sitting directly in front of me, a few feet away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“What I want you to do Jerry is to watch my hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As I separate them, I’ll be letting down my boundaries.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She put her hands together, like she was praying in front of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She slowly started to open them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was going to get inside and have a special place in her that none of the other guys had.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet as her hands started to open up, I found myself backing up in my chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My head started to go back and to the side…and I had a combination of feeling suffocated and nauseous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">“What’s a matter?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Isn’t this what you want?” she asked. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">I nodded my head and repositioned myself in my chair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Yes.” I said defiantly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wasn’t sure what was happening, but without getting “inside” Beth's boundaries, I didn’t think I could trust her, rely on her, or believe her when she said she cared about me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She started to open up again, letting down her boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I again, instinctively, reared my head back and felt like I was covered in slime. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Beth put her hands back together and asked me what I was feeling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“I…feel icky…gross – like something bad is happening.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">And then she said the one thing has stuck with me more than anything else she ever told me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Jerry, you believe that love means you get lost in someone, enmeshed with them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That has been your relationship with your mother and father.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet when you are enmeshed, you feel suffocated.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are completely vulnerable – no boundaries what so ever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And neither did your mom or dad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So you feel icky or gross being that intimately connected to your parents.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She moved her chair a little closer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“It is because I DO care about you that I keep my boundaries up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By keeping my boundaries up around you, it shows I respect you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps to keep you safe – not engulfed by me, not lost inside of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now you can start to concentrate on yourself and start to discover who Jerry is.”<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">Suddenly, I didn’t want to be that “special someone.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted her to keep on doing what she was doing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In that moment, I so appreciated all the hard work she did in her own journey of recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And she helped me to see, for the first time, that my definition of love was scary and twisted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No wonder once I started to get emotionally close to someone, I’d have to create some distance in the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love meant I’d have to lose myself in someone else.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love was to be engulfed, enmeshed, boundary-less around the object of my affection.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that was so terrifying, I’d run from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’d cheat on my lover, start fights, withdraw emotionally, or get lost in one of my addictions to keep some distance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then with too much distance, I’d feel abandoned and lonely, so I’d try everything to get back“inside.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This was to be a cycle that would hurt me and almost everyone I had a relationship with – even my children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-5986596821371878582011-04-11T17:22:00.000-07:002011-04-11T17:22:22.162-07:00More on Love Avoidance<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;"> Many wounded adults actually avoid love, becoming restless around persons who might provide genuine care and nurturing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In these cases, the closer the adult come to obtaining the reality of love, the more they will push their partners away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This move, becoming avoidant and trying to create emotional distance within the relationship, is fueled by a fear of intimacy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Indeed love avoidants fear intimacy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some love avoidants push away love as a test to see if their partner will continue to love them even when they are acting disagreeable or unpleasant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This behavior is a result of the conditional and irregular love the wounded adult experienced as children from their caregivers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The struggle for the love avoidant is that he/she, like anyone else, <u>wants</u> to feel love and closeness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless of what the past emotional, physical and/or sexual wounds might be, there is still an intrinsic desire for the security and affection and healing that comes from love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the love avoidant will look like in a relationship, then, is to come in close and fast and make intense connections.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As the relationship continues, the avoidant will start to distance him/herself from their partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the relationship continues, eventually the love avoidant person will seek to re-ignite the passion and intensity that used to be felt in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With time, distancing will occur again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">For most love avoidants, they are very good at beginning relationships, but horrible at keeping and maintaining a relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There is a lot of pulling in and pushing out – pulling in their love interest and then once the connection happens and the relationship becomes deeper, they push their partner away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div align="center" class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: blue;">Origins of Love Avoidance<o:p></o:p></span></b></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">Avoidant love behaviors also arise from the co-dependent wounds found in the origins of the relationship with one’s parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Again, to refer to Pia Mellody, those who exhibit love avoidant behaviors usually come from families where the parents are emotionally enmeshed with their children. Enmeshment means that there are poor boundaries in the parent-child relationship. This can take the form of the parent who uses the child as a confidant, like a substitute spouse – looking for emotional support and emotional intimacy from the child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can also take on the appearance of a child being made to be dependent on the parents – squashing the child’s ability to become autonomous and independent.<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As the child grows into adulthood, he or she will want to be in a relationship and work hard to make that happen. What they use to help establish a relationship is often based on intensity, creating closeness rapidly, and exhibiting a great deal of charm and sexual energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet once the relationship has been formed, the individual will withdraw emotionally and even physically. Those not married will be able to see a string of past relationships that made it to a certain point and then dissolved. Some might hear their partners tell them they are afraid to make a commitment. And so the wounded adult using love avoidant behaviors remains alone within him/herself – tortured by being afraid of the very thing they want – love, security, affection, and nurturing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: blue;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As the love avoidant sees the relationship he/she is building with another – and intimacy begins – withdrawal will occur.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person will withdraw either physically, emotionally or both.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love avoidants can be men or women, and struggle to maintain friendships – same sex or otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once in a relationship, a love avoidant will often feel overwhelmed, suffocated and emotionally exhausted.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">The following are love avoidant behaviors done in order to create space within the relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See if any of these fit with what you do in a relationship:<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in;"><span style="color: blue;">causing arguments, staying up after partner has gone to bed, becoming obsessed with work or some other activity, being defensive, turning arguments back on the other person so they look like they are all at fault, compulsively flirting with other people, thinking of other people when you have sex with your partner, avoiding physical affection – snuggling, holding hands, etc. flamboyant and charming outside of the relationship and withdrawn and sullen inside the relationship, feeling a sense of shame about who you are, allowing guilt and shame to be motivating factors for what you do in a relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="color: blue;">There are some love avoidants who never seek out people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They struggle to be around people and are often reclusive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They may want relationships and are sick and tired of being so lonely, but see that first step as too much.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many suffer from depression.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can go months and years without being in a relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regardless of what the love avoidant behavior is, these types of wounded people live in fear of intimacy but crave the affection and nurturing that comes with that kind of a relationship.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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</div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-43455473590135182482011-04-08T12:31:00.000-07:002011-04-08T12:31:24.300-07:00My Book Is Here!After years of trying to get published, I have finally been blessed to see it happen. First came a manuscript for adult survivors of childhood trauma. Then came a trilogy of fiction called The Oppenhiemer Chronicles. Then came a study guide for the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program. And yet, time after time, I recieved rejections. Countless rejections - to the point that I stopped counting (over 200 since 2004). I recieved a priesthood blessing in 2004 to never stop writing. In 2005 I recieved a blessing stating that the Lord knew the thoughts and intents of my heart and that the righteous desires of my heart would be given to me. Years past, but I never forgot those blessings. Eventually, though, I lost hope. And then a thought came to me - Put your life in order. Come unto Me and repent.<br />
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I changed my focus to do just that - return to the Church and apply the Atonement of the Savior in my life. I kept writing, but now my writing was focused on the Atonement. A year after I was re-baptised, my manuscript for helping LDS recovering addicts work the Church's 12 step program was picked up by Leatherwood Press. 7 1/2 months later, the book is now on shelves at Deseret Books, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other LDS book stores.<br />
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The righteous desires of my heart are coming to pass. And my heart is full with gratitude. My hope is that this companion guide will help others overcome their addictive struggles. Even more than that, however, this guide can be used for any problem - simply replace the word addiction with your problem. The result will be the same - you will come to access the Atonement in a deeper and more profound way. Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-23485160745156265752011-04-08T12:09:00.000-07:002011-04-09T15:47:23.382-07:00Love in this mortal, fallen sphere<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">I have learned that to love someone here on earth is to love an imperfect person, whether that be a mother, father, son, daughter, brother sister or spouse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I think my wife understands this best of all. </span>The imperfect partner will sometimes sin, and sometimes have weaknesses that will harm others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes he/she will hurt others intentially – sometimes simply by being imperfect.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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It is very difficult to love and trust someone that is imperfect without experiencing pain, sadness, and fear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Often these emotions are overwhelming. The best way to </span>manage those emotions, heal from those wounds and still love and trust is to turn and recieve the help of the Savior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">He asks us to offer up a broken heart and a contrite spirit to show our love and gratitude to Him. Yet offering up a broken heart and a contrite spirit is not just for forgiveness - experiencing the cleansing power of the atonement - but is also to be able to weather the storms of imperfect love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> we</span> need access to the atonement in order to be able to love and be loved in this mortal fallen world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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It is very difficult to be vulnerable – to be open and willing to love (vulnerability and willingness are parts of what a broken heart and a contrite spirit is) without the cleansing, healing, comforting, forgiving power of the atonement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
Loving – giving it and receiving it – requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>Trusting – opening up to another – requires a broken heart and contrite spirit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>A broken heart feels, is vulnerable, is living a life without walls or self imposed protection, without withdrawal/isolation or escaping and hiding.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
And the protector of that broken heart? None other than the Savior of the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
A contrite spirit is humble, willing – to forgive, to repent, to own one's actions, to try again, to reach out and to love again, to reconcile one's self to God’s will.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>A contrite spirit is willing to say “I’m sorry,” just as much as saying “I love you,” or “I forgive you.”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">A contrite spirit lets go of the past when the past has been processed through the broken heart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>A contrite spirit forgives and doesn’t bring up the resolved past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A contrite spirit trusts in moving forward.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-75072899233831502412011-03-17T07:03:00.001-07:002011-03-17T07:03:24.231-07:00self esteem - why does opening up to love hurt?Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can I get more self esteem?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In our language, we talk about low self esteem and high self esteem as though esteem was a flexible, changeable substance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Someone can “take” away or “ruin” one’s self esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An activity can “rebuild” or strengthen self esteem.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With these types of metaphors it is easy to believe that esteem can be fleeting and malleable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let’s take some time to understand what self esteem is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Esteem means to respect and value highly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Self esteem means to respect oneself and value oneself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When an individual says they are worthless and unlovable, they do not believe they have any worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">So yes, one can change the way they see themselves – a person always has a choice whether to respect themselves or not.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet the worth and value of an individual is unchanging regardless of what the person may believe about themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The value of a person is a constant – unchanging and infinite.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The person’s job is to open themselves up and embrace their worth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being able to do that requires letting go of old beliefs and messages picked up along the path to adulthood.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some messages have been repeated to us time and again and we end up putting ourselves down the same way or worse than when we were children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wounded child within us holds many of these beliefs.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The adapted child part of our psyche tries hard to prove these beliefs wrong and will go to great extremes to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet it is like bailing out a sinking ship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Until the boat can be patched and the holes repaired, trying to save it is an exhausting and endless task.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">It can be scary to open up and embrace one’s worth and value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may actually be uncomfortable.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Often times I have individuals come up with an affirmation that is true but one they do not believe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I remember one woman was given the affirmation “I am loveable with my imperfections.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was raised in a home where love was conditional – only when she shined – did well – did she receive her parent’s love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So this affirmation attacked the belief that she was loveable if she was perfect – a hopeless expectation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As she said it the first time out loud to the group, she appeared to choke on each word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She sobbed as she said the statement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She was asked to look at each group member in the eyes and repeat the affirmation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Each group member responded with “Yes, you are.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Several times she had to stop, as it was so incredibly difficult for her to say these words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Loving and cherishing and respecting oneself can feel strange, uncomfortable and even hurt.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Part of the hurt comes from the fact that when love came into the woman’s being, it made her realize how much she didn’t have that love growing up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The new thoughts and feelings of love and respect always bring up the old wounds of being unloved, un-cherished and disrespected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another reason why loving oneself is uncomfortable is because there is a great amount of fear in opening up to embracing one’s worth and value.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The individual has to become vulnerable – letting down walls of emotional protection – in order to connect to that worth.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">The risk is worth it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Time and time again I have seen dramatic changes in people as they come to accept their worth and value and learn to respect themselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love heals, especially as we learn to love ourselves.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are just a few of the questions newcomers pose as they begin their journey of recovery from love addiction/ avoidance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep asking questions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Keep searching for answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This practice will keep you attuned to awareness and foster self-discovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoHeading9" style="line-height: 150%; 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</div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-24134937474709130622011-03-17T07:02:00.000-07:002011-03-17T07:02:35.155-07:00avoidance<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What does a love avoidant relationship look like?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A love avoidant relationship is one of convenience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The co-dependent that exhibits love avoidant behaviors may have friends and can be very close to them, but yet remain inwardly disconnected to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good example of this is the love avoidant who moved away to the other side of the state, leaving behind many friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He remarked he had no sadness about leaving his friends.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He never wrote them and was surprised whenever they called him and said how much they missed him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>While he was with them, he acted like a good friend, but no longer being around them, he acted as if these people didn’t exist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Other examples are the love avoidant who never goes to her High School Reunion, stating she had lots of people she hung out with, but never had any real friends or connections, or the avoidant who gets married but remains emotionally aloof towards his partner, stating he feels a sense of security having a wife all the while flirting and having one night stands with people he picks up at the bar.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Love avoidants can create quick and intense bonds with others – where the other person is able to bond with the avoidant – but the avoidant is often inwardly devoid of any true feeling towards the individual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then the avoidant will “enjoy” not be alone or abandoned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is truly unfortunate that the avoidant is so superficial in his/her methods of connecting to others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet for the avoidant, it is not always a conscious act of remaining superficial.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Love avoidants are disconnected within their own selves, and as such, can’t offer anything more substantial than the surface of their personalities.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Truly, their relationships are a reflection of their own inner disconnectedness and lack of self-intimacy.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-57888060486405994112011-03-17T07:01:00.001-07:002011-03-17T07:01:54.720-07:00we repeat to completeQuestion:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why do I end up with people who treat me the same way as my parents treated me when I was a child?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hated being treated like that, but here it is – happening all over again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A good friend of mine often repeats the statement – “We repeat to complete.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What this means is that we will continue to repeat past traumatic experiences (by recreating them in the present) until we overcome them, make sense out them, and integrate them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The clinical term is trauma repetition.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Bessel Van der Kolk, noted researcher and author (June 1989) explains that victims of trauma can repeat or re-enact their trauma on a behavioral, emotional, and physical level.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control (pg. 399).”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He explains the following about repeating or re-enacting past trauma in the present:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Anger directed inwards – which often causes self-destructive behaviors and depression – is “itself a repetitive re-enactment or real events from the past (pg. 400).”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Stress causes “people to engage in familiar behavior, regardless of the rewards.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>New ways of dealing with stress are often “anxiety provoking, previously traumatized people tend to return to familiar patterns, even if they cause pain (pg. 401).”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Fear can be turned into a pleasurable sensation for victims of abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As such, even abusive experiences (to self and/or others) that trigger intense feelings of fear, can become addictive and even pleasurable.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>“Re-exposure to stress can have the same effect as taking morphine, providing a similar relief from stress (401).”</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Adult victims of abuse can become addicted to their victimizers and find other men and/ or women to take the place of these original abusers and become just as addictively attached to these new partners.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l1 level1 lfo3; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Shame and isolation “promote regression to earlier states of anxious attachment and to addictive involvements (pg. 399).”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What this means is that when an adult survivor of abuse experiences shame and isolates, he/she will often feel as if they have gone back in time and feel like the abused child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They will be anxious about attaching to others and instead become involved in addictive behaviors. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Being that a part of the co-dependent is stuck in the past, that part will always remain overwhelmed by the past traumatic experience.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is needed is for the adult to go back to that experience and help that part overcome the trauma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>An example of this is the love addict that struggled with always picking people that didn’t really “see” him – people that were unable to step outside of themselves to appreciate this person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He could see it especially with his supervisors and bosses.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They often discounted him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It wasn’t until he was in therapy that he realized how his parents were “blind” to him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They couldn’t “see” him for who he was or appreciate his individuality and uniqueness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that is what he ended up doing – repeating and recreating the past relationship with his parents in the present.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is similar to the adult who was raised by emotionally unavailable parents and found other emotionally unavailable people in his/her current life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hook, which starts the addictive attachment, is the attempt to get the emotionally unavailable person to open up and become emotionally attached to the addict.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">There is no healing in the trauma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Every time addicts return to their addictive behaviors, they are actually recreating their trauma.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just like hyperthermia, we no longer feel the very thing that is killing us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As co-dependents act out in addictive behaviors, they induce a dissociative state and become numb to the very thing that is destroying the addict.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not a person’s normal state to use addiction as a way to live life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The goal for the recovering person is to go through the trauma and heal from it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By doing that, the recovering person will no longer be “stuck” in repeating the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-83383384857507266572011-03-17T07:00:00.000-07:002011-03-17T07:00:40.319-07:00discipline, is it a dirty word?Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is the difference between discipline and compulsiveness?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is an important question, since discipline is a necessary trait to develop for recovery to work within an individual.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Addicts act compulsively, not disciplined.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The difference is that to act compulsively is to be lost in the act – to do anything and expend all resources to attain the goal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And the goal offers immediate rewards – instant gratification.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Compulsions are irresistible, always repeated and the impulse that drives the repetition seems to have a “life of its own.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discipline, on the other hand, is a character trait that causes the individual to control urges and do certain behaviors regardless of whether or not there is an instant pay-off.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discipline is needed for a recovering addict to perform his/her daily spiritual practice, to use the tools of recovery (calling a sponsor or other group member, journaling, reading, going to meetings, etc), and to maintain one’s sobriety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Discipline is an adult trait that comes from years of training.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since co-dependents using<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>love addicted or sexually compulsive behaviors are often stuck in a emotionally child-like and immature states, it is not usually a trait they have at their disposal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is needed, then, is for the recovering addict to learn this trait.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This comes from practice, practice, practice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A few helpful suggestions:</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Do your daily recovery practice with someone else – a sponsor, a recovery friend, a spouse or partner.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Actually schedule time everyday just for you and your recovery.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Treat that time as if you had a doctor’s appointment or therapist’s appointment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You need this time and there is no room for rescheduling.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo2; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Practice delayed gratification – if you want a pizza real bad, then sit with that urge – feel it and be with it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Try it for a minute, then two or three.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually you’ll be able to sit with that urge without that urge filling you up inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll be able to notice it, but not own it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This kind of practice will help you develop discipline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Remember, discipline is not an evil word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even though many recovering addict’s parents used the word discipline to conjure up rigid, authoritarian, and abusive attitudes and behaviors towards their children, discipline is not like that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discipline is kind and loving,<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Discipline is a spiritual trait, born out of that place that wants us to succeed and overcome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Compulsive behaviors are the counterfeit – the false reflection of discipline.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There may have been a time when that was all the addict had to use, but recovery helps us to grow and mature and with that growth comes new traits, like that of discipline.</div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-41018720602291660122011-03-17T06:57:00.000-07:002011-03-17T06:57:37.842-07:00more common questionsQuestion:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is it that every time I learn new skills, or make a move forward in my recovery, I tend to slip back and end up acting out?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer: Transitions in recovery always – always – will put you at risk of relapsing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And why is that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because you’re doing something new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And new behaviors, new patterns, new thoughts are just that – new.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We struggle with accepting these new skills, struggle with trusting these new tools, and are put in a somewhat vulnerable spot as we try them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The knee-jerk reaction is to go back to the tried and true behaviors of our addiction(s).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But if you keep at it, and ask for more support during the transition period, you can make it without serious slipping and crashing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Transitions, by definition, are time specific.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is, you will only be in that awkward stage for only so long.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Remember that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This period of feeling like a fish out of water won’t last forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either you will practice this new skill, new technique and gain a sense of confidence and mastery, or you will abandon it and return to the old, well-worn coping skills found in your distorted addictive thinking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nobody learned to walk without hitting the floor a few times. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How do I define my bottom line behaviors as a sex addict?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in;">Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Look at the following areas in your life and answer the questions:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>List re-occurring sexual behaviors – with self and others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>State age of when you started with each sexual behavior.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>How do you deal with fears of being abandoned (rejected and/ or unexplained or sudden periods of being alone)?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>How do you deal with the sensations of being suffocated while in intimate relationship(s)?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>List the partners you’ve had where you were obsessed with being with them, thinking about them, and really struggled to let go of them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now write down the behaviors you did to control that obsessiveness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write down how you acted around them.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>List the partners you cheated on.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Write down how long into the relationship before you cheated on him/her, and how you treated your partner before, during and after the affair.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What kind of sexual activity did you have in the relationship versus the sexual behavior you had outside of the relationship?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt 1in; mso-list: l2 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 1.0in; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span>Write down how you interact with parent(s) in present-day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you the “yes” person – never disagreeing with them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you the perfectionist around them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you act more passive or more aggressive around them?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you find yourself feeling and acting more child-like when you are around them?</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Those behaviors that come up over and over – that appear compulsive – and ones that make you feel crazy, out of control, ashamed or guilty for doing – those behaviors constitute your bottom-line behaviors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Re-list these behaviors with the new heading – “My Bottom Line Behaviors.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This list will help you focus on breaking those addictive patterns of behavior.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It may just be a starting point, but everybody needs one.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-15080569263352109032010-10-25T15:24:00.000-07:002010-10-25T15:25:56.292-07:00Applying the Atonement - The Spouse of an Addict - Her Journey of Forgiveness<div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;">The following comes from a sister who's husband is an addict. In working with her, she eventually came to a point of forgiveness. She desired to write her story and has given me permission to share it. She writes in her own words: </span></span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Let me start before the beginning of my story. The home that I was raised in was not the best home. And at the same time, it was far better than most. I had both parents, and many siblings. We all hoped that you wouldn’t be able to see the problem that was bothering all of us. My father was an addict; my mother was a hard woman because of my father. My siblings and I did the best we could do with dealing with such a hard and grown-up thing as this.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>My father was not home most of the time during my childhood, either he was away working, or was kicked out of the house because of his addiction problem. My mother was very angry with my father for what he was putting her through. She would shut out the world, including her children. My mother would not give much attention to us. If attention was needed for nurturing, it was not very long lasting. When she had to give her attention to us for something that we did wrong, it was very hurtful what she chose to do us.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As you can guess we, my siblings and I, did not have a good chance at being “normal”. But somehow, I made it out of the fray, and am living a healthy life. That miracle that has blessed my life has helped me to appreciate what my Father in Heaven has done for me. That he loved me so much that He gave me this disorder (ADD) to help shield me from the awful things that were going on in the home I grew up in. Because of this protection that I was blessed with, my siblings picked on me, teased me, and even hated me at times, because I was not affected by the problems around me to become damaged. </span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>These things that I have gone through did not make it any easier for me when my husband came to me and told me all that he had done. I was devastated to put it simply. My world had ended that very day. I felt the overwhelming feeling of pain and agony turning into numbness. I was lost as what to do. Before I was married to my husband, I told him that if he ever cheated on me I would leave, end of story. But I had a very strong feeling that I needed to inquire of the Lord as to what I should do.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The night I had chosen to go to the temple was Stake Temple Night. While driving to the temple, I prayed like no other! I asked for my Father to answer my prayer, and give me guidance as to what I should do. When I arrived I was comforted like I have never been comforted before! It was amazing! As I sat in the chapel rolling over my question to Heavenly Father I heard in my mind, “Mallory, you can do this! You can walk the harder path of staying with your husband. We will be here cheering you on, and lifting you up as you work on forgiving your husband.” This first part was from family and friends that are on the other side already. I could feel their love for me and wanted me to be happy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And from my Heavenly Father I heard, “Mallory, you have the choice to walk down either path of staying with your husband, or to leave him. Whatever you choose you shall be blessed. However, if you choose to stay with your husband, you will blessed beyond measure.”</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So I clung to those words and promises given to me. There were many days of tears. One time I had just put my oldest child down for nap time, and I walked out of his room, and just sat down on the stairs and wept until there were no more tears to weep. Hating the unfairness of the actions of my husband, and that I had to be in so much pain. That my marriage was fake! Hating the women for even being with him. It was overwhelming to feel all of this emotion. I couldn’t see any glimmer of hope to survive such intense pain. But, because I was instructed to tell my husband all that I was feeling because of his infidelity, that helped me to know that he knew how badly he hurt me, and that he was in agony seeing what he had done to me. Not in a spiteful way, but in a righteous way.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There were days that I did not want to turn to the Lord for help. Those days were by far the worst days of my journey. By contrast; the days that I prayed and talked with the Lord continually about <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><u>everything</u></i>, were as if the angels were carrying me along and helping me to continue to be a good mother and house keeper.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Most of the time I was numb. I wasn’t ready to face what I was dealing with. But I had to eventually. Mostly because Doug kept coming each week and asking me how I was doing.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A few days after my husband had told me everything, a friend called me up and asked how I was doing. I lost it right then and there, and just broke down and shared what was happening. She has been a great strength for me as I was able to talk frankly about my feelings and frustrations about “men” along with the special bonding between two sisters.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Being able to share those feelings and hurt with someone other than my husband and the Lord, gave me so much strength to be able to keep going down the path I had chosen. I had chosen to stay, and learn how to truly forgive. I had never truly learned how to do this in my youth. There is only so much that can be taught to you in church. No one was able to teach me how to put forgiveness into motion and not just say the words without actually forgiving.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I never thought that it was my fault that my husband had cheated on me. Or that I was not enough for him. I didn’t have any doubts as to my physical and spiritual beauty. I didn’t have to struggle with those lies. For my Heavenly Father had already taught me what my worth was before my marriage.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>As I continued to read my scriptures and to pray, I was able to let much of my anger go, and have it replaced with peace. Till finally one day I asked Heavenly Father if there was anything else that I needed to do before I forgave my husband. All of the heartache that I had been pushing aside finally came into my heart. I felt as if my heart was going to tear apart because of the great pain I was feeling. I looked to my Father and told him all that I felt and what I thought. At the end of the day I then told my Father that I give this unto you now. I can no longer hold onto this. I am done. Please take this from me. The next morning I was at peace. I was happier than I had been in a very long time.</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Now when thoughts come to me about what my husband had done, I have to tell myself, “Stop that this instant! There is nothing else to do about this! You forgave him and you love him! Leave it alone!”</span></div><div class="NoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I testify to you that whatever road you choose, you can find the healing power through the atonement! That you can forgive your spouse of the most hurtful thing that there is. You can have a happy life again! Don’t be scared to ask for help both from friends around you, and from our Heavenly Father. They want to help, you just have to reach out and ask for it.</span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-27464025125250574162010-10-16T15:26:00.000-07:002010-10-16T15:26:28.464-07:00Where is God - How to Reconcile the Aloneness of Abuse with the Knowledge of a loving Father in Heaven<div style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana;">it appears more and more evident from what clients say, that the sense of aloneness and abandonment/rejection hurts more than actual abuse. It's as though the aloneness of having to go through and then deal with the after effects of abuse all by oneself magnifies and deepens the wound, the pain, the fear, the shame. And it impacts the ability to have a healthy relationship with God.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I have a fourteen year old client who doesn't believe in God because God wasn't there, didn't stop his dad from emotionally and phsyically abusing him. "If God is a loving Heavenly Father, then why didn't He save me?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Telling him that God always provides a way out - via the Atonement - wasn't enough for him. "So He's just there after all the bad stuff happens? Why can't He be there before it begins to stop it from ever happening?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Even after explaining agency and how God will never take away someone's agency didn't work. "So God says He'll give everyone their agency and then turn a blind eye as people kill and hurt other people with their agency?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">So I remind him of judgement and how everyone will be held accountable. "What good is that going to do me now, when I'm scared and hurt - wait for a few hundred years and then dad will get what's coming to him?"</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">No matter what I said, the bottom line was that life wasn't fair, that God wasn't fair, and that he was angry that God didn't protect him.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I reflected on my own journey, having many of the same thoughts this young man had. How did I work through that? There was a time when I was angry at God, when I couldn't understand why He would send me down to Earth and experience trauma. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">As I reflected on my spiritual progression, the thought came back over and over - how did I open myself up to love? First, I worked through a lot of fears of opening up to someone else and feeling - connecting to that love. I did it first with my wife, Stephanie. Being able to feel her love was an incredible experience. My heart soared. I was so suprised. This was what I had craved and searched for all along! It felt so good, so healing. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">That process of establishing real, spiritual intimacy with Steph allowed me to try opening my heart up to Heavenly Father. What I came to see was that God wasn't the author of my childhood abuse. He was there in ways I wasn't aware of. I was blessed to have a loving grandmother who showed unconditional love. I was blessed to be able to dissociate and blank out, to be able to compartmentalize abusive experiences and store them away until I was old enough and ready to deal with them. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Just because God didn't intervene on my behalf doesn't mean that He was complicit or approving of what was happening. Just because He didn't stop the abuse doesn't mean He didn't love me. And then as I look back, I see His hand constantly guiding me to healthy people, to professionals that know how to help me, to the Bishop who says just the right thing, or the member who understands the Atonement and can help me access it. His hand guiding me from one part of the country to the other, always bringing me in contact with someone who will say something or do something or teach me something that will help me on my journey of healing.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I have come to understand that God is God because He understands the universal laws and obeys them. He works within the law to save me. And because He does that, I can have access to a portion of His love, His Spirit, His grace (enabling power).</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I had to humble myself, to turn to God, even with anger and questions, and say "Okay, I can't handle this. I don't understand why the bad things happened in my life, and I don't understand you very well, but I am clinging to the tiny hope, the desire, that you can help me. I am out of options. Please save me." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I suddenly saw that the wounds I carried were beyond what I could handle. Therapists, medication, retreats, hospitalizations, various alternative treatments - all helpful, but none of them were able to fully or completely heal me. My wounds were beyond human ability to heal. Only God - one as powerful as He - could reach into me and heal my brain, my heart, my body, my spirit.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Things started to happen then. For the first time, I could feel His love in a very personal way. It wasn't a global love - "God loves everyone." No, it was a personal love - "I know you and I love you." I was still going to therapy. But now, it was as though the therapy sessions were super charged, as if every moment at the counselor's office was being magnified and consecrated to my healing. Change wasn't being powered by my own energy or power anymore. And then I was taught. Simple truths began to burn inside of me when I heard them - as though I was hearing them for the first time. This wasn't an intellectual learning - I already had that, and it hadn't helped me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">No, this was a spiritual learning....like I was feeling the concepts with my heart, like I was learning not from mere words or books, but from something deeper. The only was to describe it was that I felt the information. My whole body felt it, my mind opened to it - not like memorizing for a test - as though I could suddenly "see" the concept. I could hear the gospel discussion, I read the scriptures, but there was a kind of communication that was occuring that went beyond reading or speaking words.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Eventually, over time, I came to see how I had searched out Christ in a way I never had before because of the pain, because of the fear, because of the anger, because of the injustice of it all. And He was there. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">And I have experienced healing. I am thankful for my life - even the really bad stuff. It brought me to Father in Heaven. It made me search Him out. It made me reach out to the Savior. And the result has been miraculous. I have experienced miracles just as powerful as any other miracle we read about in the scriptures. And they have been miracles tailored specifically for me. Any thought or belief that I am alone, that I have been abandoned has left me. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">I know by personal experience that Heavenly Father loves me, knows me, and is there for me. I know Jesus Christ died for me personally - that He knew of my struggles, my wounds as well as my sins. And He suffered for them, paid the demands of justice for me, and with no other thought than love and a desire to help me return to Him and the Father, He holds out His arms and asks me to come to Him. No other words have been sweeter than the day I heard Him say to me, "You are mine."</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">What kind of suffering the Savior went through to save me, to bind up my wounds, to help me to overcome the effects of abuse - I can't comprehend it. But He did that suffering. He paid the ultimate price just so that there would be a way prepared for my healing, for my escape from the pains of the past. He did this for me, for you, for that 14 year old whose dad beat him. He has the antidote to the poison that had corrupted and harded my heart. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana;">Where was God when the abuse happened? Right there with me. He was there feeling the pain and sacrificing His life so that I could be given a way out. He says, "I know that pain, Doug. I know that feeling of being so alone. I have experienced it. And because I have, I know how to heal you. I know what you need. And I have the power to do just that."</span><br />
<div style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;"> </div><div style="color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 12pt;">Glory be to Him! How thankful I am. My heart fills with gratitude and awe. It is almost too much for me. Truly, as John the apostle said, "We love Him because He loved us first." His sacrifice inspires love. His Atonement fills my heart with love.<br />
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</div></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-33280992341687437962010-10-10T22:33:00.000-07:002011-03-17T06:55:48.178-07:00Common questions<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Question:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even after being in recovery for a while now, I still seem to pick the wrong person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If my “picker” is broken, how can it be fixed? </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Answer:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is a very real concern for recovering co-dependents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For many, the goal of recovery is to be able to be in a healthy, intimate relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is frustrating for many is that even after a period of time in the program, their goal remains elusive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>No matter how good this person or that person seems to be, the recovering person can easily end up with the same kind of dysfunctional and addictive partner.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>So how does one “fix their picker?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The “picker” in this sense refers to the process one goes through as they choose a partner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“<span style="line-height: 150%; mso-bidi-font-size: 12.0pt;">We are initially attracted to someone with our own disowned traits because it gives us a feeling of completion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I disown my angry side, so I feel drawn to you because you readily express anger (Kasl, 2001).”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So what needs to be done is to own the parts we have tried to ignore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The best way to do that is to become aware of our template of attraction.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span>There are four topics to focus on to help heal one’s template of what kind of a person you are attracted to, or end up with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The first thing to do is to go through a period of abstinence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This does not mean isolation.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It simply means that for a period of time, you won’t look for anyone or engage in an intimate relationship.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Using friends, sponsors and family members that are safe and healthy should still be sought out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The main thing about being abstinent is that you spend time away from the hook up, the new love, the next relationship until after you have done some work on yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most time frames of being abstinent go anywhere from three months to a year.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The next thing that needs to be dealt with to readjust your “picker” is that of examining childhood issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Reviewing your original relationships –with your parent(s), siblings, grandparents – is key to breaking faulty and dysfunctional templates.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Family of origin issues are major themes in the life of a recovering co-dependents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If left unchecked, they will continue to haunt you and make recovery next to impossible to achieve.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>The third area of focus to “fix your picker” is that of boundaries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The healthier your boundaries, the more apt you are to let go of the dysfunctional person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having healthy internal boundaries (how you deal with your emotions, your thoughts, your sense of self) and external boundaries (how you physically interact with others – including touch, sexual contact, self-protection) will cause you to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having healthy boundaries will help you not to own or carry other people’s emotions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having healthy boundaries helps you to keep a well-defined sense of self, making it difficult to get lost in someone else as well as keeping people from becoming emotionally enmeshed with you.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Focusing on these topics brings about the final change – that of changing our energy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We all have energy that we give off and it helps attract certain types of people to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are not always aware of our energy since it is not something we can see.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet this energy reflects where we are at in our own emotional and spiritual health.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“Man radiates what he is, and that radiation affects to a greater or lesser degree every person who comes within that radiation (McKay, pg. 87, 1962).”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What this means, essentially, is that if you’ve never deal with abuse issues from your past, you will attract people to you that like to be with victims – to rescue them, to control them, to use/manipulate them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you have done a lot of personal healing and growth, you will attract people to you that most likely have down their own healing as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another way to put it is that <i>we become attracted to people that treat us the way we see ourselves</i>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Changing your template of what kind of a partner you want comes by looking at these topics and working on them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you believe you have done this and still find that you’re finding mister or miss wrong, do a thorough review of these issues.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Chances are there is still some work that needs to be done. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">There is another point to examine in this discussion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if you’ve gone through all the work listed and you still find that dysfunctional man or woman, instead of beating yourself up over it – look at how long you stayed with that individual before you decided to leave them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the past, you would have stayed with that person, trying to fix them or save them or get them to love you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You would have made all sorts of excuses for the way he/she was treating you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, as you’ve worked on yourself, if you find yourself involved with another dysfunctional person, you’ll recognize it faster and you’ll make your needs known faster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And in the end, if you need to leave the relationship, you’ll do it quicker and without the emotional baggage that you used to carry with yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You’ll be taking care of yourself – knowing what you want, what you need, and you won’t take less.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Being alone is not scary anymore.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The need to “make someone love you” is no longer needed.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 150%; margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-14042298290143525532010-10-09T08:52:00.000-07:002010-10-09T08:52:04.752-07:00Getting in touch with feelings - a Cheat Sheet<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">Many recovering addicts struggle with identifying their emotions. By the time an addict enters recovery, emotions have been squashed, ignored, and stuffed. Why? Because for most addicts, emotions are one of the reasons why they began using in the first place - feeling emotions hurt. It's uncomfortable. And if I can find a way to circumnavigate the law of opposition, I will. I don't want to taste the bitter that I might know the sweet. I don't want to feel sadness so that I might know happiness. I just want the happiness and sweet all the time!</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">Remember that recovery from addiction - any addiction - is a spiritual process. Reconnecting to our emotional states is a neccessary step to take. How can I work through the process of repentance if I can't feel my emotions?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 5;">A common response to this discussion is for the addict to say - "I don't know what I feel any more." The following is a cheat sheet to help you discover what you might be feeling. By identifying your behavior, simply follow the chart and it will lead you to your emotion. This will help you start to connect to your feelings. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 5;"> </span><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">State of<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Emotional</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Behaviors<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Being<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>Denial</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Resentments, People Pleasing<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>disconnectedness<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>Anger</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Risk Taking<span style="mso-tab-count: 4;"> </span>impulsiveness<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Fear</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Lack of Empathy for Self<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>numbness<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Pain/Sadness</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Lack of Taking Ownership for Life <span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>self-pity<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Joy/Gratitude</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Isolation OR Thrill Seeking<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>boredom<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Passion</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Isolation OR Dependency<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>loneliness<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Love</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Judging, Critical, Fault Finding<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>perfectionism<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Guilt, Vulnerability</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">Arrogant, Self Serving<span style="mso-tab-count: 2;"> </span>grandiose<span style="mso-tab-count: 3;"> </span>Shame<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-1545204941094488282010-09-29T12:56:00.000-07:002010-09-29T12:56:53.006-07:00My StoryOne day my Bishop called me into his office. "How are you doing?" He asked. This question reflected the continuing struggle I had with addiction since age 11. I sighed. After countless 12 step meetings in the community, a two and a half month inpatient treatment program, hundreds of hours in a therapist's office - I still couldn't "shake free" of my addiction. I silently resigned myself to always being in my addiction. Recovery just wasn't going to happen for me.<br />
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The Bishop picked up a piece of paper and scanned it. "The Church has a recovery program. Maybe you should check it out," he suggested. I had already worked through the 12 steps in a traditional setting, but I nodded. "I'll go," I said.<br />
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During the first meeting, as I sat around a table in the High Council room, I was amazed at what I felt. For the first time in many years I felt loved. It was as if my whole body was engulfed in a tidal wave of love. I cried during the meeting. Heavenly Father loved me! He loved me! This was such a personal, intimate experience - I could barely contain my emotions. Even on my best day, I had never experienced such a spiritual experience.<br />
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Gone was the doubt. Gone was the hesitancy. And gone was the hopelessness. <br />
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Such was the beginning of the greatest journey I have experienced during my mortal existence.Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6173684741349027300.post-13226125079588614832010-09-27T18:33:00.000-07:002010-09-27T18:33:01.078-07:00Welcome to My Blog!Welcome to my blog. I am creating this blog to share my ideas about recovery and the LDS community. I will periodically place portions of my forthcoming workbook on the blog as well. I want to thank Walnut Springs, and Leatherwood Press for their support and commitment to this important topic. I also want to thank the countless LDS recovering addicts that have asked questions, offered insight, and shared their stories.<br />
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The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints through LDS Family Services has created The Addiction Recovery Program, or A.R.P. Service Missionaries are called to head each of the local recovery groups. The groups use the Addiction Recovery Manual that The Church has published to help members in their recovery.<br />
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The statistics are impressive.<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #333333;">The Church’s Addiction Recovery Program is one of the fastest growing programs the Church has implemented.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There will be over 50,000 meetings held during 2010, with nearly 500,000 members attending.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The Church’s Addiction Recovery Program has seen an almost 300% increase in the total number of members attending these meetings over the course of the past five years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>With the program being translated into Spanish, and several other language translations being considered, the growth will only increase.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="color: #333333;">Tommorrow I will share my story.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>Douglas Dobberfuhlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/17900898543759988314noreply@blogger.com0