self esteem - why does opening up to love hurt?

Question:  How can I get more self esteem?

Answer:  In our language, we talk about low self esteem and high self esteem as though esteem was a flexible, changeable substance.  Someone can “take” away or “ruin” one’s self esteem.  An activity can “rebuild” or strengthen self esteem.  With these types of metaphors it is easy to believe that esteem can be fleeting and malleable.  Let’s take some time to understand what self esteem is.  Esteem means to respect and value highly.  Self esteem means to respect oneself and value oneself.  When an individual says they are worthless and unlovable, they do not believe they have any worth. 

So yes, one can change the way they see themselves – a person always has a choice whether to respect themselves or not.  Yet the worth and value of an individual is unchanging regardless of what the person may believe about themselves.  The value of a person is a constant – unchanging and infinite.  The person’s job is to open themselves up and embrace their worth.  Being able to do that requires letting go of old beliefs and messages picked up along the path to adulthood.  Some messages have been repeated to us time and again and we end up putting ourselves down the same way or worse than when we were children.  The wounded child within us holds many of these beliefs.  The adapted child part of our psyche tries hard to prove these beliefs wrong and will go to great extremes to do so.  Yet it is like bailing out a sinking ship.  Until the boat can be patched and the holes repaired, trying to save it is an exhausting and endless task.

It can be scary to open up and embrace one’s worth and value.  It may actually be uncomfortable.  Often times I have individuals come up with an affirmation that is true but one they do not believe.  I remember one woman was given the affirmation “I am loveable with my imperfections.”  She was raised in a home where love was conditional – only when she shined – did well – did she receive her parent’s love.  So this affirmation attacked the belief that she was loveable if she was perfect – a hopeless expectation.  As she said it the first time out loud to the group, she appeared to choke on each word.  She sobbed as she said the statement.  She was asked to look at each group member in the eyes and repeat the affirmation.  Each group member responded with “Yes, you are.”  Several times she had to stop, as it was so incredibly difficult for her to say these words. 

Loving and cherishing and respecting oneself can feel strange, uncomfortable and even hurt.  Part of the hurt comes from the fact that when love came into the woman’s being, it made her realize how much she didn’t have that love growing up.  The new thoughts and feelings of love and respect always bring up the old wounds of being unloved, un-cherished and disrespected.  Another reason why loving oneself is uncomfortable is because there is a great amount of fear in opening up to embracing one’s worth and value.  The individual has to become vulnerable – letting down walls of emotional protection – in order to connect to that worth.

The risk is worth it.  Time and time again I have seen dramatic changes in people as they come to accept their worth and value and learn to respect themselves.  Love heals, especially as we learn to love ourselves.  These are just a few of the questions newcomers pose as they begin their journey of recovery from love addiction/ avoidance.  Keep asking questions.  Keep searching for answers.  This practice will keep you attuned to awareness and foster self-discovery.    

avoidance

Question:  What does a love avoidant relationship look like? 

Answer:  A love avoidant relationship is one of convenience.  The co-dependent that exhibits love avoidant behaviors may have friends and can be very close to them, but yet remain inwardly disconnected to them.  A good example of this is the love avoidant who moved away to the other side of the state, leaving behind many friends.  He remarked he had no sadness about leaving his friends.  He never wrote them and was surprised whenever they called him and said how much they missed him.  While he was with them, he acted like a good friend, but no longer being around them, he acted as if these people didn’t exist. 

Other examples are the love avoidant who never goes to her High School Reunion, stating she had lots of people she hung out with, but never had any real friends or connections, or the avoidant who gets married but remains emotionally aloof towards his partner, stating he feels a sense of security having a wife all the while flirting and having one night stands with people he picks up at the bar.

Love avoidants can create quick and intense bonds with others – where the other person is able to bond with the avoidant – but the avoidant is often inwardly devoid of any true feeling towards the individual.  And then the avoidant will “enjoy” not be alone or abandoned.  It is truly unfortunate that the avoidant is so superficial in his/her methods of connecting to others.  Yet for the avoidant, it is not always a conscious act of remaining superficial.  Love avoidants are disconnected within their own selves, and as such, can’t offer anything more substantial than the surface of their personalities.  Truly, their relationships are a reflection of their own inner disconnectedness and lack of self-intimacy.

           

we repeat to complete

Question:  Why do I end up with people who treat me the same way as my parents treated me when I was a child?  I hated being treated like that, but here it is – happening all over again. 

Answer:  A good friend of mine often repeats the statement – “We repeat to complete.”  What this means is that we will continue to repeat past traumatic experiences (by recreating them in the present) until we overcome them, make sense out them, and integrate them.  The clinical term is trauma repetition.  Bessel Van der Kolk, noted researcher and author (June 1989) explains that victims of trauma can repeat or re-enact their trauma on a behavioral, emotional, and physical level.  “Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control (pg. 399).”  He explains the following about repeating or re-enacting past trauma in the present:

·         Anger directed inwards – which often causes self-destructive behaviors and depression – is “itself a repetitive re-enactment or real events from the past (pg. 400).”

·         Stress causes “people to engage in familiar behavior, regardless of the rewards.”  New ways of dealing with stress are often “anxiety provoking, previously traumatized people tend to return to familiar patterns, even if they cause pain (pg. 401).”

·         Fear can be turned into a pleasurable sensation for victims of abuse.  As such, even abusive experiences (to self and/or others) that trigger intense feelings of fear, can become addictive and even pleasurable.

·         “Re-exposure to stress can have the same effect as taking morphine, providing a similar relief from stress (401).”

·         Adult victims of abuse can become addicted to their victimizers and find other men and/ or women to take the place of these original abusers and become just as addictively attached to these new partners.

·         Shame and isolation “promote regression to earlier states of anxious attachment and to addictive involvements (pg. 399).”  What this means is that when an adult survivor of abuse experiences shame and isolates, he/she will often feel as if they have gone back in time and feel like the abused child.  They will be anxious about attaching to others and instead become involved in addictive behaviors.

Being that a part of the co-dependent is stuck in the past, that part will always remain overwhelmed by the past traumatic experience.  What is needed is for the adult to go back to that experience and help that part overcome the trauma.  An example of this is the love addict that struggled with always picking people that didn’t really “see” him – people that were unable to step outside of themselves to appreciate this person.  He could see it especially with his supervisors and bosses.  They often discounted him.  It wasn’t until he was in therapy that he realized how his parents were “blind” to him.  They couldn’t “see” him for who he was or appreciate his individuality and uniqueness.  And that is what he ended up doing – repeating and recreating the past relationship with his parents in the present.  This is similar to the adult who was raised by emotionally unavailable parents and found other emotionally unavailable people in his/her current life.  The hook, which starts the addictive attachment, is the attempt to get the emotionally unavailable person to open up and become emotionally attached to the addict.

There is no healing in the trauma.  Every time addicts return to their addictive behaviors, they are actually recreating their trauma.  Just like hyperthermia, we no longer feel the very thing that is killing us.  As co-dependents act out in addictive behaviors, they induce a dissociative state and become numb to the very thing that is destroying the addict.  It is not a person’s normal state to use addiction as a way to live life.  The goal for the recovering person is to go through the trauma and heal from it.  By doing that, the recovering person will no longer be “stuck” in repeating the past. 

discipline, is it a dirty word?

Question:  What is the difference between discipline and compulsiveness?

            Answer:  This is an important question, since discipline is a necessary trait to develop for recovery to work within an individual.  Addicts act compulsively, not disciplined.  The difference is that to act compulsively is to be lost in the act – to do anything and expend all resources to attain the goal.  And the goal offers immediate rewards – instant gratification.  Compulsions are irresistible, always repeated and the impulse that drives the repetition seems to have a “life of its own.”  Discipline, on the other hand, is a character trait that causes the individual to control urges and do certain behaviors regardless of whether or not there is an instant pay-off.  Discipline is needed for a recovering addict to perform his/her daily spiritual practice, to use the tools of recovery (calling a sponsor or other group member, journaling, reading, going to meetings, etc), and to maintain one’s sobriety. 

Discipline is an adult trait that comes from years of training.  Since co-dependents using  love addicted or sexually compulsive behaviors are often stuck in a emotionally child-like and immature states, it is not usually a trait they have at their disposal.  What is needed, then, is for the recovering addict to learn this trait.  This comes from practice, practice, practice.  A few helpful suggestions:

·         Do your daily recovery practice with someone else – a sponsor, a recovery friend, a spouse or partner.

·         Actually schedule time everyday just for you and your recovery.  Treat that time as if you had a doctor’s appointment or therapist’s appointment.  You need this time and there is no room for rescheduling.

·         Practice delayed gratification – if you want a pizza real bad, then sit with that urge – feel it and be with it.  Try it for a minute, then two or three.  Eventually you’ll be able to sit with that urge without that urge filling you up inside.  You’ll be able to notice it, but not own it.  This kind of practice will help you develop discipline. 

Remember, discipline is not an evil word.  Even though many recovering addict’s parents used the word discipline to conjure up rigid, authoritarian, and abusive attitudes and behaviors towards their children, discipline is not like that.  Discipline is kind and loving,  Discipline is a spiritual trait, born out of that place that wants us to succeed and overcome.  Compulsive behaviors are the counterfeit – the false reflection of discipline.  There may have been a time when that was all the addict had to use, but recovery helps us to grow and mature and with that growth comes new traits, like that of discipline.

more common questions

Question:  Why is it that every time I learn new skills, or make a move forward in my recovery, I tend to slip back and end up acting out?

            Answer: Transitions in recovery always – always – will put you at risk of relapsing.  And why is that?  Because you’re doing something new.  And new behaviors, new patterns, new thoughts are just that – new.  We struggle with accepting these new skills, struggle with trusting these new tools, and are put in a somewhat vulnerable spot as we try them.  The knee-jerk reaction is to go back to the tried and true behaviors of our addiction(s).  But if you keep at it, and ask for more support during the transition period, you can make it without serious slipping and crashing. 

Transitions, by definition, are time specific.  That is, you will only be in that awkward stage for only so long.  Remember that.  This period of feeling like a fish out of water won’t last forever.  Either you will practice this new skill, new technique and gain a sense of confidence and mastery, or you will abandon it and return to the old, well-worn coping skills found in your distorted addictive thinking.  Nobody learned to walk without hitting the floor a few times.

            Question:  How do I define my bottom line behaviors as a sex addict?

Answer:  Look at the following areas in your life and answer the questions: 

·         List re-occurring sexual behaviors – with self and others.  State age of when you started with each sexual behavior.

·         How do you deal with fears of being abandoned (rejected and/ or unexplained or sudden periods of being alone)?

·         How do you deal with the sensations of being suffocated while in intimate relationship(s)?

·         List the partners you’ve had where you were obsessed with being with them, thinking about them, and really struggled to let go of them.  Now write down the behaviors you did to control that obsessiveness.  Write down how you acted around them.

·         List the partners you cheated on.  Write down how long into the relationship before you cheated on him/her, and how you treated your partner before, during and after the affair.  What kind of sexual activity did you have in the relationship versus the sexual behavior you had outside of the relationship?

·         Write down how you interact with parent(s) in present-day.  Are you the “yes” person – never disagreeing with them?  Are you the perfectionist around them?  Do you act more passive or more aggressive around them?  Do you find yourself feeling and acting more child-like when you are around them?

Those behaviors that come up over and over – that appear compulsive – and ones that make you feel crazy, out of control, ashamed or guilty for doing – those behaviors constitute your bottom-line behaviors.  Re-list these behaviors with the new heading – “My Bottom Line Behaviors.”  This list will help you focus on breaking those addictive patterns of behavior.  It may just be a starting point, but everybody needs one.