discipline, is it a dirty word?

Question:  What is the difference between discipline and compulsiveness?

            Answer:  This is an important question, since discipline is a necessary trait to develop for recovery to work within an individual.  Addicts act compulsively, not disciplined.  The difference is that to act compulsively is to be lost in the act – to do anything and expend all resources to attain the goal.  And the goal offers immediate rewards – instant gratification.  Compulsions are irresistible, always repeated and the impulse that drives the repetition seems to have a “life of its own.”  Discipline, on the other hand, is a character trait that causes the individual to control urges and do certain behaviors regardless of whether or not there is an instant pay-off.  Discipline is needed for a recovering addict to perform his/her daily spiritual practice, to use the tools of recovery (calling a sponsor or other group member, journaling, reading, going to meetings, etc), and to maintain one’s sobriety. 

Discipline is an adult trait that comes from years of training.  Since co-dependents using  love addicted or sexually compulsive behaviors are often stuck in a emotionally child-like and immature states, it is not usually a trait they have at their disposal.  What is needed, then, is for the recovering addict to learn this trait.  This comes from practice, practice, practice.  A few helpful suggestions:

·         Do your daily recovery practice with someone else – a sponsor, a recovery friend, a spouse or partner.

·         Actually schedule time everyday just for you and your recovery.  Treat that time as if you had a doctor’s appointment or therapist’s appointment.  You need this time and there is no room for rescheduling.

·         Practice delayed gratification – if you want a pizza real bad, then sit with that urge – feel it and be with it.  Try it for a minute, then two or three.  Eventually you’ll be able to sit with that urge without that urge filling you up inside.  You’ll be able to notice it, but not own it.  This kind of practice will help you develop discipline. 

Remember, discipline is not an evil word.  Even though many recovering addict’s parents used the word discipline to conjure up rigid, authoritarian, and abusive attitudes and behaviors towards their children, discipline is not like that.  Discipline is kind and loving,  Discipline is a spiritual trait, born out of that place that wants us to succeed and overcome.  Compulsive behaviors are the counterfeit – the false reflection of discipline.  There may have been a time when that was all the addict had to use, but recovery helps us to grow and mature and with that growth comes new traits, like that of discipline.