Question: Even after being in recovery for a while now, I still seem to pick the wrong person. Why is that? If my “picker” is broken, how can it be fixed?
Answer: This is a very real concern for recovering co-dependents. For many, the goal of recovery is to be able to be in a healthy, intimate relationship. What is frustrating for many is that even after a period of time in the program, their goal remains elusive. No matter how good this person or that person seems to be, the recovering person can easily end up with the same kind of dysfunctional and addictive partner.
So how does one “fix their picker?” The “picker” in this sense refers to the process one goes through as they choose a partner. “We are initially attracted to someone with our own disowned traits because it gives us a feeling of completion. I disown my angry side, so I feel drawn to you because you readily express anger (Kasl, 2001).” So what needs to be done is to own the parts we have tried to ignore. The best way to do that is to become aware of our template of attraction. There are four topics to focus on to help heal one’s template of what kind of a person you are attracted to, or end up with. The first thing to do is to go through a period of abstinence. This does not mean isolation. It simply means that for a period of time, you won’t look for anyone or engage in an intimate relationship. Using friends, sponsors and family members that are safe and healthy should still be sought out. The main thing about being abstinent is that you spend time away from the hook up, the new love, the next relationship until after you have done some work on yourself. Most time frames of being abstinent go anywhere from three months to a year.
The next thing that needs to be dealt with to readjust your “picker” is that of examining childhood issues. Reviewing your original relationships –with your parent(s), siblings, grandparents – is key to breaking faulty and dysfunctional templates. Family of origin issues are major themes in the life of a recovering co-dependents. If left unchecked, they will continue to haunt you and make recovery next to impossible to achieve.
The third area of focus to “fix your picker” is that of boundaries. The healthier your boundaries, the more apt you are to let go of the dysfunctional person. Having healthy internal boundaries (how you deal with your emotions, your thoughts, your sense of self) and external boundaries (how you physically interact with others – including touch, sexual contact, self-protection) will cause you to say yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no. Having healthy boundaries will help you not to own or carry other people’s emotions. Having healthy boundaries helps you to keep a well-defined sense of self, making it difficult to get lost in someone else as well as keeping people from becoming emotionally enmeshed with you.
Focusing on these topics brings about the final change – that of changing our energy. We all have energy that we give off and it helps attract certain types of people to us. We are not always aware of our energy since it is not something we can see. Yet this energy reflects where we are at in our own emotional and spiritual health. “Man radiates what he is, and that radiation affects to a greater or lesser degree every person who comes within that radiation (McKay, pg. 87, 1962).” What this means, essentially, is that if you’ve never deal with abuse issues from your past, you will attract people to you that like to be with victims – to rescue them, to control them, to use/manipulate them. If you have done a lot of personal healing and growth, you will attract people to you that most likely have down their own healing as well. Another way to put it is that we become attracted to people that treat us the way we see ourselves.
Changing your template of what kind of a partner you want comes by looking at these topics and working on them. If you believe you have done this and still find that you’re finding mister or miss wrong, do a thorough review of these issues. Chances are there is still some work that needs to be done.
There is another point to examine in this discussion. Even if you’ve gone through all the work listed and you still find that dysfunctional man or woman, instead of beating yourself up over it – look at how long you stayed with that individual before you decided to leave them. In the past, you would have stayed with that person, trying to fix them or save them or get them to love you. You would have made all sorts of excuses for the way he/she was treating you. Now, as you’ve worked on yourself, if you find yourself involved with another dysfunctional person, you’ll recognize it faster and you’ll make your needs known faster. And in the end, if you need to leave the relationship, you’ll do it quicker and without the emotional baggage that you used to carry with yourself. You’ll be taking care of yourself – knowing what you want, what you need, and you won’t take less. Being alone is not scary anymore. The need to “make someone love you” is no longer needed.
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