it appears more and more evident from what clients say, that the sense of aloneness and abandonment/rejection hurts more than actual abuse. It's as though the aloneness of having to go through and then deal with the after effects of abuse all by oneself magnifies and deepens the wound, the pain, the fear, the shame. And it impacts the ability to have a healthy relationship with God.
I have a fourteen year old client who doesn't believe in God because God wasn't there, didn't stop his dad from emotionally and phsyically abusing him. "If God is a loving Heavenly Father, then why didn't He save me?"
Telling him that God always provides a way out - via the Atonement - wasn't enough for him. "So He's just there after all the bad stuff happens? Why can't He be there before it begins to stop it from ever happening?"
Even after explaining agency and how God will never take away someone's agency didn't work. "So God says He'll give everyone their agency and then turn a blind eye as people kill and hurt other people with their agency?"
So I remind him of judgement and how everyone will be held accountable. "What good is that going to do me now, when I'm scared and hurt - wait for a few hundred years and then dad will get what's coming to him?"
No matter what I said, the bottom line was that life wasn't fair, that God wasn't fair, and that he was angry that God didn't protect him.
I reflected on my own journey, having many of the same thoughts this young man had. How did I work through that? There was a time when I was angry at God, when I couldn't understand why He would send me down to Earth and experience trauma.
As I reflected on my spiritual progression, the thought came back over and over - how did I open myself up to love? First, I worked through a lot of fears of opening up to someone else and feeling - connecting to that love. I did it first with my wife, Stephanie. Being able to feel her love was an incredible experience. My heart soared. I was so suprised. This was what I had craved and searched for all along! It felt so good, so healing.
That process of establishing real, spiritual intimacy with Steph allowed me to try opening my heart up to Heavenly Father. What I came to see was that God wasn't the author of my childhood abuse. He was there in ways I wasn't aware of. I was blessed to have a loving grandmother who showed unconditional love. I was blessed to be able to dissociate and blank out, to be able to compartmentalize abusive experiences and store them away until I was old enough and ready to deal with them.
Just because God didn't intervene on my behalf doesn't mean that He was complicit or approving of what was happening. Just because He didn't stop the abuse doesn't mean He didn't love me. And then as I look back, I see His hand constantly guiding me to healthy people, to professionals that know how to help me, to the Bishop who says just the right thing, or the member who understands the Atonement and can help me access it. His hand guiding me from one part of the country to the other, always bringing me in contact with someone who will say something or do something or teach me something that will help me on my journey of healing.
I have come to understand that God is God because He understands the universal laws and obeys them. He works within the law to save me. And because He does that, I can have access to a portion of His love, His Spirit, His grace (enabling power).
I had to humble myself, to turn to God, even with anger and questions, and say "Okay, I can't handle this. I don't understand why the bad things happened in my life, and I don't understand you very well, but I am clinging to the tiny hope, the desire, that you can help me. I am out of options. Please save me."
I suddenly saw that the wounds I carried were beyond what I could handle. Therapists, medication, retreats, hospitalizations, various alternative treatments - all helpful, but none of them were able to fully or completely heal me. My wounds were beyond human ability to heal. Only God - one as powerful as He - could reach into me and heal my brain, my heart, my body, my spirit.
Things started to happen then. For the first time, I could feel His love in a very personal way. It wasn't a global love - "God loves everyone." No, it was a personal love - "I know you and I love you." I was still going to therapy. But now, it was as though the therapy sessions were super charged, as if every moment at the counselor's office was being magnified and consecrated to my healing. Change wasn't being powered by my own energy or power anymore. And then I was taught. Simple truths began to burn inside of me when I heard them - as though I was hearing them for the first time. This wasn't an intellectual learning - I already had that, and it hadn't helped me.
No, this was a spiritual learning....like I was feeling the concepts with my heart, like I was learning not from mere words or books, but from something deeper. The only was to describe it was that I felt the information. My whole body felt it, my mind opened to it - not like memorizing for a test - as though I could suddenly "see" the concept. I could hear the gospel discussion, I read the scriptures, but there was a kind of communication that was occuring that went beyond reading or speaking words.
Eventually, over time, I came to see how I had searched out Christ in a way I never had before because of the pain, because of the fear, because of the anger, because of the injustice of it all. And He was there.
And I have experienced healing. I am thankful for my life - even the really bad stuff. It brought me to Father in Heaven. It made me search Him out. It made me reach out to the Savior. And the result has been miraculous. I have experienced miracles just as powerful as any other miracle we read about in the scriptures. And they have been miracles tailored specifically for me. Any thought or belief that I am alone, that I have been abandoned has left me.
I know by personal experience that Heavenly Father loves me, knows me, and is there for me. I know Jesus Christ died for me personally - that He knew of my struggles, my wounds as well as my sins. And He suffered for them, paid the demands of justice for me, and with no other thought than love and a desire to help me return to Him and the Father, He holds out His arms and asks me to come to Him. No other words have been sweeter than the day I heard Him say to me, "You are mine."
What kind of suffering the Savior went through to save me, to bind up my wounds, to help me to overcome the effects of abuse - I can't comprehend it. But He did that suffering. He paid the ultimate price just so that there would be a way prepared for my healing, for my escape from the pains of the past. He did this for me, for you, for that 14 year old whose dad beat him. He has the antidote to the poison that had corrupted and harded my heart.
Where was God when the abuse happened? Right there with me. He was there feeling the pain and sacrificing His life so that I could be given a way out. He says, "I know that pain, Doug. I know that feeling of being so alone. I have experienced it. And because I have, I know how to heal you. I know what you need. And I have the power to do just that."
Glory be to Him! How thankful I am. My heart fills with gratitude and awe. It is almost too much for me. Truly, as John the apostle said, "We love Him because He loved us first." His sacrifice inspires love. His Atonement fills my heart with love.
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