The following comes from a sister who's husband is an addict. In working with her, she eventually came to a point of forgiveness. She desired to write her story and has given me permission to share it. She writes in her own words:
Let me start before the beginning of my story. The home that I was raised in was not the best home. And at the same time, it was far better than most. I had both parents, and many siblings. We all hoped that you wouldn’t be able to see the problem that was bothering all of us. My father was an addict; my mother was a hard woman because of my father. My siblings and I did the best we could do with dealing with such a hard and grown-up thing as this.
My father was not home most of the time during my childhood, either he was away working, or was kicked out of the house because of his addiction problem. My mother was very angry with my father for what he was putting her through. She would shut out the world, including her children. My mother would not give much attention to us. If attention was needed for nurturing, it was not very long lasting. When she had to give her attention to us for something that we did wrong, it was very hurtful what she chose to do us.
As you can guess we, my siblings and I, did not have a good chance at being “normal”. But somehow, I made it out of the fray, and am living a healthy life. That miracle that has blessed my life has helped me to appreciate what my Father in Heaven has done for me. That he loved me so much that He gave me this disorder (ADD) to help shield me from the awful things that were going on in the home I grew up in. Because of this protection that I was blessed with, my siblings picked on me, teased me, and even hated me at times, because I was not affected by the problems around me to become damaged.
These things that I have gone through did not make it any easier for me when my husband came to me and told me all that he had done. I was devastated to put it simply. My world had ended that very day. I felt the overwhelming feeling of pain and agony turning into numbness. I was lost as what to do. Before I was married to my husband, I told him that if he ever cheated on me I would leave, end of story. But I had a very strong feeling that I needed to inquire of the Lord as to what I should do.
The night I had chosen to go to the temple was Stake Temple Night. While driving to the temple, I prayed like no other! I asked for my Father to answer my prayer, and give me guidance as to what I should do. When I arrived I was comforted like I have never been comforted before! It was amazing! As I sat in the chapel rolling over my question to Heavenly Father I heard in my mind, “Mallory, you can do this! You can walk the harder path of staying with your husband. We will be here cheering you on, and lifting you up as you work on forgiving your husband.” This first part was from family and friends that are on the other side already. I could feel their love for me and wanted me to be happy. And from my Heavenly Father I heard, “Mallory, you have the choice to walk down either path of staying with your husband, or to leave him. Whatever you choose you shall be blessed. However, if you choose to stay with your husband, you will blessed beyond measure.”
So I clung to those words and promises given to me. There were many days of tears. One time I had just put my oldest child down for nap time, and I walked out of his room, and just sat down on the stairs and wept until there were no more tears to weep. Hating the unfairness of the actions of my husband, and that I had to be in so much pain. That my marriage was fake! Hating the women for even being with him. It was overwhelming to feel all of this emotion. I couldn’t see any glimmer of hope to survive such intense pain. But, because I was instructed to tell my husband all that I was feeling because of his infidelity, that helped me to know that he knew how badly he hurt me, and that he was in agony seeing what he had done to me. Not in a spiteful way, but in a righteous way.
There were days that I did not want to turn to the Lord for help. Those days were by far the worst days of my journey. By contrast; the days that I prayed and talked with the Lord continually about everything, were as if the angels were carrying me along and helping me to continue to be a good mother and house keeper.
Most of the time I was numb. I wasn’t ready to face what I was dealing with. But I had to eventually. Mostly because Doug kept coming each week and asking me how I was doing.
A few days after my husband had told me everything, a friend called me up and asked how I was doing. I lost it right then and there, and just broke down and shared what was happening. She has been a great strength for me as I was able to talk frankly about my feelings and frustrations about “men” along with the special bonding between two sisters.
Being able to share those feelings and hurt with someone other than my husband and the Lord, gave me so much strength to be able to keep going down the path I had chosen. I had chosen to stay, and learn how to truly forgive. I had never truly learned how to do this in my youth. There is only so much that can be taught to you in church. No one was able to teach me how to put forgiveness into motion and not just say the words without actually forgiving.
I never thought that it was my fault that my husband had cheated on me. Or that I was not enough for him. I didn’t have any doubts as to my physical and spiritual beauty. I didn’t have to struggle with those lies. For my Heavenly Father had already taught me what my worth was before my marriage.
As I continued to read my scriptures and to pray, I was able to let much of my anger go, and have it replaced with peace. Till finally one day I asked Heavenly Father if there was anything else that I needed to do before I forgave my husband. All of the heartache that I had been pushing aside finally came into my heart. I felt as if my heart was going to tear apart because of the great pain I was feeling. I looked to my Father and told him all that I felt and what I thought. At the end of the day I then told my Father that I give this unto you now. I can no longer hold onto this. I am done. Please take this from me. The next morning I was at peace. I was happier than I had been in a very long time.
Now when thoughts come to me about what my husband had done, I have to tell myself, “Stop that this instant! There is nothing else to do about this! You forgave him and you love him! Leave it alone!”
I testify to you that whatever road you choose, you can find the healing power through the atonement! That you can forgive your spouse of the most hurtful thing that there is. You can have a happy life again! Don’t be scared to ask for help both from friends around you, and from our Heavenly Father. They want to help, you just have to reach out and ask for it.
