avoidance

Question:  What does a love avoidant relationship look like? 

Answer:  A love avoidant relationship is one of convenience.  The co-dependent that exhibits love avoidant behaviors may have friends and can be very close to them, but yet remain inwardly disconnected to them.  A good example of this is the love avoidant who moved away to the other side of the state, leaving behind many friends.  He remarked he had no sadness about leaving his friends.  He never wrote them and was surprised whenever they called him and said how much they missed him.  While he was with them, he acted like a good friend, but no longer being around them, he acted as if these people didn’t exist. 

Other examples are the love avoidant who never goes to her High School Reunion, stating she had lots of people she hung out with, but never had any real friends or connections, or the avoidant who gets married but remains emotionally aloof towards his partner, stating he feels a sense of security having a wife all the while flirting and having one night stands with people he picks up at the bar.

Love avoidants can create quick and intense bonds with others – where the other person is able to bond with the avoidant – but the avoidant is often inwardly devoid of any true feeling towards the individual.  And then the avoidant will “enjoy” not be alone or abandoned.  It is truly unfortunate that the avoidant is so superficial in his/her methods of connecting to others.  Yet for the avoidant, it is not always a conscious act of remaining superficial.  Love avoidants are disconnected within their own selves, and as such, can’t offer anything more substantial than the surface of their personalities.  Truly, their relationships are a reflection of their own inner disconnectedness and lack of self-intimacy.