more common questions

Question:  Why is it that every time I learn new skills, or make a move forward in my recovery, I tend to slip back and end up acting out?

            Answer: Transitions in recovery always – always – will put you at risk of relapsing.  And why is that?  Because you’re doing something new.  And new behaviors, new patterns, new thoughts are just that – new.  We struggle with accepting these new skills, struggle with trusting these new tools, and are put in a somewhat vulnerable spot as we try them.  The knee-jerk reaction is to go back to the tried and true behaviors of our addiction(s).  But if you keep at it, and ask for more support during the transition period, you can make it without serious slipping and crashing. 

Transitions, by definition, are time specific.  That is, you will only be in that awkward stage for only so long.  Remember that.  This period of feeling like a fish out of water won’t last forever.  Either you will practice this new skill, new technique and gain a sense of confidence and mastery, or you will abandon it and return to the old, well-worn coping skills found in your distorted addictive thinking.  Nobody learned to walk without hitting the floor a few times.

            Question:  How do I define my bottom line behaviors as a sex addict?

Answer:  Look at the following areas in your life and answer the questions: 

·         List re-occurring sexual behaviors – with self and others.  State age of when you started with each sexual behavior.

·         How do you deal with fears of being abandoned (rejected and/ or unexplained or sudden periods of being alone)?

·         How do you deal with the sensations of being suffocated while in intimate relationship(s)?

·         List the partners you’ve had where you were obsessed with being with them, thinking about them, and really struggled to let go of them.  Now write down the behaviors you did to control that obsessiveness.  Write down how you acted around them.

·         List the partners you cheated on.  Write down how long into the relationship before you cheated on him/her, and how you treated your partner before, during and after the affair.  What kind of sexual activity did you have in the relationship versus the sexual behavior you had outside of the relationship?

·         Write down how you interact with parent(s) in present-day.  Are you the “yes” person – never disagreeing with them?  Are you the perfectionist around them?  Do you act more passive or more aggressive around them?  Do you find yourself feeling and acting more child-like when you are around them?

Those behaviors that come up over and over – that appear compulsive – and ones that make you feel crazy, out of control, ashamed or guilty for doing – those behaviors constitute your bottom-line behaviors.  Re-list these behaviors with the new heading – “My Bottom Line Behaviors.”  This list will help you focus on breaking those addictive patterns of behavior.  It may just be a starting point, but everybody needs one.