Answer: In our language, we talk about low self esteem and high self esteem as though esteem was a flexible, changeable substance. Someone can “take” away or “ruin” one’s self esteem. An activity can “rebuild” or strengthen self esteem. With these types of metaphors it is easy to believe that esteem can be fleeting and malleable. Let’s take some time to understand what self esteem is. Esteem means to respect and value highly. Self esteem means to respect oneself and value oneself. When an individual says they are worthless and unlovable, they do not believe they have any worth.
So yes, one can change the way they see themselves – a person always has a choice whether to respect themselves or not. Yet the worth and value of an individual is unchanging regardless of what the person may believe about themselves. The value of a person is a constant – unchanging and infinite. The person’s job is to open themselves up and embrace their worth. Being able to do that requires letting go of old beliefs and messages picked up along the path to adulthood. Some messages have been repeated to us time and again and we end up putting ourselves down the same way or worse than when we were children. The wounded child within us holds many of these beliefs. The adapted child part of our psyche tries hard to prove these beliefs wrong and will go to great extremes to do so. Yet it is like bailing out a sinking ship. Until the boat can be patched and the holes repaired, trying to save it is an exhausting and endless task.
It can be scary to open up and embrace one’s worth and value. It may actually be uncomfortable. Often times I have individuals come up with an affirmation that is true but one they do not believe. I remember one woman was given the affirmation “I am loveable with my imperfections.” She was raised in a home where love was conditional – only when she shined – did well – did she receive her parent’s love. So this affirmation attacked the belief that she was loveable if she was perfect – a hopeless expectation. As she said it the first time out loud to the group, she appeared to choke on each word. She sobbed as she said the statement. She was asked to look at each group member in the eyes and repeat the affirmation. Each group member responded with “Yes, you are.” Several times she had to stop, as it was so incredibly difficult for her to say these words.
Loving and cherishing and respecting oneself can feel strange, uncomfortable and even hurt. Part of the hurt comes from the fact that when love came into the woman’s being, it made her realize how much she didn’t have that love growing up. The new thoughts and feelings of love and respect always bring up the old wounds of being unloved, un-cherished and disrespected. Another reason why loving oneself is uncomfortable is because there is a great amount of fear in opening up to embracing one’s worth and value. The individual has to become vulnerable – letting down walls of emotional protection – in order to connect to that worth.
The risk is worth it. Time and time again I have seen dramatic changes in people as they come to accept their worth and value and learn to respect themselves. Love heals, especially as we learn to love ourselves. These are just a few of the questions newcomers pose as they begin their journey of recovery from love addiction/ avoidance. Keep asking questions. Keep searching for answers. This practice will keep you attuned to awareness and foster self-discovery.
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