new web site - please look!

Hello everyone!

I have a new web site - filled with articles, exercises, a forum, and even a place for you to talk one on one with me.  The site is www.lds-crr.com

I will actually be switching over to this new site and posting there instead of thisw blog.

Spiritual Signs of Co-Dependency

Co-Dependency is not always easy to see.  And in the LDS faith, since there is a great focus on service, it can become even more hidden.  I see co-dependency as Satan's counterfeit to charity.  The following list is an example...
True Principles                                                Counterfeit

 Faith (trusting God)                                       If I can control you, then I can trust you

                                                                       

Hope (from God)                                            Trust in the arm of the flesh (hope in me)

                                                                       

Charity                                                            Give until I’m exhausted.  No boundaries, no limits.  I have to work my way into Heaven. 

Be a Peace Maker                                           Smooth-over everything and everyone.  No conflict, no anger.  Keep everyone happy

Love                                                                Enmeshed, Dependent, lost in each other

Intimacy                                                          Intensity, support each other by saving/ fixing/ or turn a blind eye to spouse’s faults and sins – minimize them so that everyone is happy

Godly Sorrow                                                 Self Pity, putting myself down, beating myself up

Broken Heart/Contrite Spirit                          Self-Hatred, self loathing, secretly believing I am worthless, unwanted and undesirable

Obedience                                                       Rigidity, extremism, judgmental

Humble/Meek and Lowly of Heart                Passive, Being a Door Mat, deny my gifts and talents, unable to take a compliment – either it makes my head swell or I push it away and discount it

Disciplined                                                      Compulsive, giving 155%

Committed                                                      Zealous, Obsessed

Confidence                                                     Arrogance, need to be “one-up,” need the spotlight

Surrender                                                        Lose the war, give up, be weak and powerless, without protection

 

A Message of Hope

Many times people struggling with addiction say - "I feel all alone.  When I pray, it's like no one is listening."  Trying to connect to God, to feel His love, His presence is often hard to access.  One recovering person remarked, "I know I'm suppose to trust God, but I've never felt a bond or anything with Him."

Remember, every ah-ha moment, every time you gain some new insight, every time you feel someone else's love, every time you gain a new perspective - your eyes suddenly open to a truth you never saw before, all of these experiences come from the Holy Ghost.  Every time a phrase hits you from the LDS Addiction Recovery Manual, even though you've read that chapter many times over, that is God teaching you, reaching out to you, talking to you.

The powers of Heaven are always there - either preparing you to experience God's love for you more fully, to actually have a moment of clarity and personal revelation, to having your own personal miracle with the Savior.  You are never alone on this journey.  Even something as small as having a twinge or a little thought pushing you to go to the recovery meeting - that is Heavenly Father talking to you.

 The Adversary wants you to feel isolated and alone.  But you are not.  Many times you are being ministered to by some unseen messenger from Heaven.  Every tiny step you take is motivated and supported by God.

Never stop looking for the Savior.  The New Testiment tells of people climbing trees, forcing their way through a crowded street, walking for days, ripping apart a roof - all just to be able to see, hear, touch and talk with Jesus.  King Lamoni said he would give up all his sins - all his traditions - his cultural based ceremonies and behaviors - everything that made him a Lamanite - to know God.

I worked with a young man for several months trying to connect to Heavenly Father.  He'd pray, but never felt anything.  He struggled in his addiction.  He struggled with anger and pain and resentments.  He became more and more despondent.  Maybe Heavenly Father just didn't love him.  We worked on removing stumbling blocks that kept him from God.  As he worked to let go of all the stored resentments he had towards others - and he had many who had been unfair and unjust with him - a miracle happened one day.  He was filled with an outpouring of love.  He later said it was as if God was hugging him - it felt that real.  This was what he had to give up - what he had to do to find God.

I promise you Heavenly Father is there.  He wants you to succeed.  The Savior wants you to come unto Him.  He wants to heal you, to make you His, to have you be reborn.

Overcoming Addiction is #3 on Top Ten Bestseller List!!!

Deseret Books has me listed as the #3 bestseller !  My joy and excitement comes from the fact that the message is getting out - that help and extra support can be had by those desiring to access the Atonement of Christ.

Love Avoidance - a Personal Story

The following is an example of how love avoidants attempt to connect to others, and the difficulty that comes from trying to gain intimacy in this manner. This comes from Jerry, a client I worked with. He kept a detailed journal while in a treatment facility for his sex addiction and love avoidance. He allowed me to take this part from his journal to help others understand love avoidance.

When I was at The Meadows, I was entranced by my therapist, Beth. I wanted her to love me and pick me above all the other members of the group. I wanted to feel special, but I never felt I could get close to her. One day I knocked on the group room door and asked if I could speak with her.

I sat down and she turned from her desk and faced me. I was suddenly nervous. What exactly was it I wanted to say? That I loved her and wanted her to love me? That sounded way off kilter. “I don’t feel close to you.” I stammered out. Only for a second did she have a look of surprise on her face.

“What do you mean?” I looked around the room, searching for the right thing to say. “It’s like …I can only get so close to you and then there’s this wall. Why can’t I get inside?” I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead and knew I was wringing my hands, but couldn’t stop it.

Beth sat back in her chair. “You want me to let down my boundaries with you?”

I nodded my head. “Ok.” She situated her chair so she was sitting directly in front of me, a few feet away. “What I want you to do Jerry is to watch my hands. As I separate them, I’ll be letting down my boundaries.” She put her hands together, like she was praying in front of me. She slowly started to open them. This was it! I was going to get inside and have a special place in her that none of the other guys had. Yet as her hands started to open up, I found myself backing up in my chair. My head started to go back and to the side…and I had a combination of feeling suffocated and nauseous.

“What’s a matter? Isn’t this what you want?” she asked.

I nodded my head and repositioned myself in my chair. “Yes.” I said defiantly. I wasn’t sure what was happening, but without getting “inside” Beth's boundaries, I didn’t think I could trust her, rely on her, or believe her when she said she cared about me. She started to open up again, letting down her boundaries. I again, instinctively, reared my head back and felt like I was covered in slime.

Beth put her hands back together and asked me what I was feeling. “I…feel icky…gross – like something bad is happening.”

And then she said the one thing has stuck with me more than anything else she ever told me. “Jerry, you believe that love means you get lost in someone, enmeshed with them. That has been your relationship with your mother and father. Yet when you are enmeshed, you feel suffocated. You are completely vulnerable – no boundaries what so ever. And neither did your mom or dad. So you feel icky or gross being that intimately connected to your parents.” She moved her chair a little closer. “It is because I DO care about you that I keep my boundaries up. By keeping my boundaries up around you, it shows I respect you. It helps to keep you safe – not engulfed by me, not lost inside of me. Now you can start to concentrate on yourself and start to discover who Jerry is.”

Suddenly, I didn’t want to be that “special someone.” I wanted her to keep on doing what she was doing. In that moment, I so appreciated all the hard work she did in her own journey of recovery. And she helped me to see, for the first time, that my definition of love was scary and twisted. No wonder once I started to get emotionally close to someone, I’d have to create some distance in the relationship. Love meant I’d have to lose myself in someone else. Love was to be engulfed, enmeshed, boundary-less around the object of my affection. And that was so terrifying, I’d run from it. I’d cheat on my lover, start fights, withdraw emotionally, or get lost in one of my addictions to keep some distance. And then with too much distance, I’d feel abandoned and lonely, so I’d try everything to get back“inside.” This was to be a cycle that would hurt me and almost everyone I had a relationship with – even my children.

More on Love Avoidance

 Many wounded adults actually avoid love, becoming restless around persons who might provide genuine care and nurturing.  In these cases, the closer the adult come to obtaining the reality of love, the more they will push their partners away.  This move, becoming avoidant and trying to create emotional distance within the relationship, is fueled by a fear of intimacy.  Indeed love avoidants fear intimacy.  Some love avoidants push away love as a test to see if their partner will continue to love them even when they are acting disagreeable or unpleasant.  This behavior is a result of the conditional and irregular love the wounded adult experienced as children from their caregivers. 

  The struggle for the love avoidant is that he/she, like anyone else, wants to feel love and closeness.  Regardless of what the past emotional, physical and/or sexual wounds might be, there is still an intrinsic desire for the security and affection and healing that comes from love.  What the love avoidant will look like in a relationship, then, is to come in close and fast and make intense connections.  As the relationship continues, the avoidant will start to distance him/herself from their partner.  If the relationship continues, eventually the love avoidant person will seek to re-ignite the passion and intensity that used to be felt in the past.  With time, distancing will occur again. 

For most love avoidants, they are very good at beginning relationships, but horrible at keeping and maintaining a relationship.  There is a lot of pulling in and pushing out – pulling in their love interest and then once the connection happens and the relationship becomes deeper, they push their partner away. 

Origins of Love Avoidance

Avoidant love behaviors also arise from the co-dependent wounds found in the origins of the relationship with one’s parents.   Again, to refer to Pia Mellody, those who exhibit love avoidant behaviors usually come from families where the parents are emotionally enmeshed with their children. Enmeshment means that there are poor boundaries in the parent-child relationship. This can take the form of the parent who uses the child as a confidant, like a substitute spouse – looking for emotional support and emotional intimacy from the child.  It can also take on the appearance of a child being made to be dependent on the parents – squashing the child’s ability to become autonomous and independent.

            As the child grows into adulthood, he or she will want to be in a relationship and work hard to make that happen. What they use to help establish a relationship is often based on intensity, creating closeness rapidly, and exhibiting a great deal of charm and sexual energy.  Yet once the relationship has been formed, the individual will withdraw emotionally and even physically. Those not married will be able to see a string of past relationships that made it to a certain point and then dissolved. Some might hear their partners tell them they are afraid to make a commitment.  And so the wounded adult using love avoidant behaviors remains alone within him/herself – tortured by being afraid of the very thing they want – love, security, affection, and nurturing.    

            As the love avoidant sees the relationship he/she is building with another – and intimacy begins – withdrawal will occur.  The person will withdraw either physically, emotionally or both.    Love avoidants can be men or women, and struggle to maintain friendships – same sex or otherwise.  Once in a relationship, a love avoidant will often feel overwhelmed, suffocated and emotionally exhausted. 

The following are love avoidant behaviors done in order to create space within the relationship.  See if any of these fit with what you do in a relationship:

causing arguments, staying up after partner has gone to bed, becoming obsessed with work or some other activity, being defensive, turning arguments back on the other person so they look like they are all at fault, compulsively flirting with other people, thinking of other people when you have sex with your partner, avoiding physical affection – snuggling, holding hands, etc. flamboyant and charming outside of the relationship and withdrawn and sullen inside the relationship, feeling a sense of shame about who you are, allowing guilt and shame to be motivating factors for what you do in a relationship.

There are some love avoidants who never seek out people.  They struggle to be around people and are often reclusive.  They may want relationships and are sick and tired of being so lonely, but see that first step as too much.  Many suffer from depression.  They can go months and years without being in a relationship.  Regardless of what the love avoidant behavior is, these types of wounded people live in fear of intimacy but crave the affection and nurturing that comes with that kind of a relationship.

My Book Is Here!

After years of trying to get published, I have finally been blessed to see it happen.  First came a manuscript for adult survivors of childhood trauma.  Then came a trilogy of fiction called The Oppenhiemer Chronicles.  Then came a study guide for the LDS Church's Addiction Recovery Program.  And yet, time after time, I recieved rejections.  Countless rejections - to the point that I stopped counting (over 200 since 2004).  I recieved a priesthood blessing in 2004 to never stop writing.  In 2005 I recieved a blessing stating that the Lord knew the thoughts and intents of my heart and that the righteous desires of my heart would be given to me.  Years past, but I never forgot those blessings.  Eventually, though, I lost hope.  And then a thought came to me - Put your life in order.  Come unto Me and repent.

I changed my focus to do just that - return to the Church and apply the Atonement of the Savior in my life.  I kept writing, but now my writing was focused on the Atonement.  A year after I was re-baptised, my manuscript for helping LDS recovering addicts work the Church's 12 step program was picked up by Leatherwood Press.  7 1/2 months later, the book is now on shelves at Deseret Books, Amazon, Barnes & Noble and other LDS book stores.

The righteous desires of my heart are coming to pass.  And my heart is full with gratitude.  My hope is that this companion guide will help others overcome their addictive struggles.  Even more than that, however, this guide can be used for any problem - simply replace the word addiction with your problem.  The result will be the same - you will come to access the Atonement in a deeper and more profound way. 

Love in this mortal, fallen sphere

I have learned that to love someone here on earth is to love an imperfect person, whether that be a mother, father, son, daughter, brother sister or spouse.  I think my wife understands this best of all.  The imperfect partner will sometimes sin, and sometimes have weaknesses that will harm others.  Sometimes he/she will hurt others intentially – sometimes simply by being imperfect. 

It is very difficult to love and trust someone that is imperfect without experiencing pain, sadness, and fear.  Often these emotions are overwhelming.  The best way to manage those emotions, heal from those wounds and still love and trust is to turn and recieve the help of the Savior. 

He asks us to offer up a broken heart and a contrite spirit to show our love and gratitude to Him.  Yet offering up a broken heart and a contrite spirit is not just for forgiveness - experiencing the cleansing power of the atonement - but is also to be able to weather the storms of imperfect love.  we need access to the atonement in order to be able to love and be loved in this mortal fallen world. 

It is very difficult to be vulnerable – to be open and willing to love (vulnerability and willingness are parts of what a broken heart and a contrite spirit is) without the cleansing, healing, comforting, forgiving power of the atonement. 

Loving – giving it and receiving it – requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit. 

Trusting – opening up to another – requires a broken heart and contrite spirit. 

A broken heart feels, is vulnerable, is living a life without walls or self imposed protection, without withdrawal/isolation or escaping and hiding. 

And the protector of that broken heart? None other than the Savior of the world. 

A contrite spirit is humble, willing – to forgive, to repent, to own one's actions, to try again, to reach out and to love again, to reconcile one's self to God’s will. 

A contrite spirit is willing to say “I’m sorry,” just as much as saying “I love you,” or “I forgive you.”

A contrite spirit lets go of the past when the past has been processed through the broken heart. 

A contrite spirit forgives and doesn’t bring up the resolved past.  A contrite spirit trusts in moving forward. 

self esteem - why does opening up to love hurt?

Question:  How can I get more self esteem?

Answer:  In our language, we talk about low self esteem and high self esteem as though esteem was a flexible, changeable substance.  Someone can “take” away or “ruin” one’s self esteem.  An activity can “rebuild” or strengthen self esteem.  With these types of metaphors it is easy to believe that esteem can be fleeting and malleable.  Let’s take some time to understand what self esteem is.  Esteem means to respect and value highly.  Self esteem means to respect oneself and value oneself.  When an individual says they are worthless and unlovable, they do not believe they have any worth. 

So yes, one can change the way they see themselves – a person always has a choice whether to respect themselves or not.  Yet the worth and value of an individual is unchanging regardless of what the person may believe about themselves.  The value of a person is a constant – unchanging and infinite.  The person’s job is to open themselves up and embrace their worth.  Being able to do that requires letting go of old beliefs and messages picked up along the path to adulthood.  Some messages have been repeated to us time and again and we end up putting ourselves down the same way or worse than when we were children.  The wounded child within us holds many of these beliefs.  The adapted child part of our psyche tries hard to prove these beliefs wrong and will go to great extremes to do so.  Yet it is like bailing out a sinking ship.  Until the boat can be patched and the holes repaired, trying to save it is an exhausting and endless task.

It can be scary to open up and embrace one’s worth and value.  It may actually be uncomfortable.  Often times I have individuals come up with an affirmation that is true but one they do not believe.  I remember one woman was given the affirmation “I am loveable with my imperfections.”  She was raised in a home where love was conditional – only when she shined – did well – did she receive her parent’s love.  So this affirmation attacked the belief that she was loveable if she was perfect – a hopeless expectation.  As she said it the first time out loud to the group, she appeared to choke on each word.  She sobbed as she said the statement.  She was asked to look at each group member in the eyes and repeat the affirmation.  Each group member responded with “Yes, you are.”  Several times she had to stop, as it was so incredibly difficult for her to say these words. 

Loving and cherishing and respecting oneself can feel strange, uncomfortable and even hurt.  Part of the hurt comes from the fact that when love came into the woman’s being, it made her realize how much she didn’t have that love growing up.  The new thoughts and feelings of love and respect always bring up the old wounds of being unloved, un-cherished and disrespected.  Another reason why loving oneself is uncomfortable is because there is a great amount of fear in opening up to embracing one’s worth and value.  The individual has to become vulnerable – letting down walls of emotional protection – in order to connect to that worth.

The risk is worth it.  Time and time again I have seen dramatic changes in people as they come to accept their worth and value and learn to respect themselves.  Love heals, especially as we learn to love ourselves.  These are just a few of the questions newcomers pose as they begin their journey of recovery from love addiction/ avoidance.  Keep asking questions.  Keep searching for answers.  This practice will keep you attuned to awareness and foster self-discovery.    

avoidance

Question:  What does a love avoidant relationship look like? 

Answer:  A love avoidant relationship is one of convenience.  The co-dependent that exhibits love avoidant behaviors may have friends and can be very close to them, but yet remain inwardly disconnected to them.  A good example of this is the love avoidant who moved away to the other side of the state, leaving behind many friends.  He remarked he had no sadness about leaving his friends.  He never wrote them and was surprised whenever they called him and said how much they missed him.  While he was with them, he acted like a good friend, but no longer being around them, he acted as if these people didn’t exist. 

Other examples are the love avoidant who never goes to her High School Reunion, stating she had lots of people she hung out with, but never had any real friends or connections, or the avoidant who gets married but remains emotionally aloof towards his partner, stating he feels a sense of security having a wife all the while flirting and having one night stands with people he picks up at the bar.

Love avoidants can create quick and intense bonds with others – where the other person is able to bond with the avoidant – but the avoidant is often inwardly devoid of any true feeling towards the individual.  And then the avoidant will “enjoy” not be alone or abandoned.  It is truly unfortunate that the avoidant is so superficial in his/her methods of connecting to others.  Yet for the avoidant, it is not always a conscious act of remaining superficial.  Love avoidants are disconnected within their own selves, and as such, can’t offer anything more substantial than the surface of their personalities.  Truly, their relationships are a reflection of their own inner disconnectedness and lack of self-intimacy.

           

we repeat to complete

Question:  Why do I end up with people who treat me the same way as my parents treated me when I was a child?  I hated being treated like that, but here it is – happening all over again. 

Answer:  A good friend of mine often repeats the statement – “We repeat to complete.”  What this means is that we will continue to repeat past traumatic experiences (by recreating them in the present) until we overcome them, make sense out them, and integrate them.  The clinical term is trauma repetition.  Bessel Van der Kolk, noted researcher and author (June 1989) explains that victims of trauma can repeat or re-enact their trauma on a behavioral, emotional, and physical level.  “Compulsive repetition of the trauma usually is an unconscious process that, although it may provide a temporary sense of mastery or even pleasure, ultimately perpetuates chronic feelings of helplessness and a subjective sense of being bad and out of control (pg. 399).”  He explains the following about repeating or re-enacting past trauma in the present:

·         Anger directed inwards – which often causes self-destructive behaviors and depression – is “itself a repetitive re-enactment or real events from the past (pg. 400).”

·         Stress causes “people to engage in familiar behavior, regardless of the rewards.”  New ways of dealing with stress are often “anxiety provoking, previously traumatized people tend to return to familiar patterns, even if they cause pain (pg. 401).”

·         Fear can be turned into a pleasurable sensation for victims of abuse.  As such, even abusive experiences (to self and/or others) that trigger intense feelings of fear, can become addictive and even pleasurable.

·         “Re-exposure to stress can have the same effect as taking morphine, providing a similar relief from stress (401).”

·         Adult victims of abuse can become addicted to their victimizers and find other men and/ or women to take the place of these original abusers and become just as addictively attached to these new partners.

·         Shame and isolation “promote regression to earlier states of anxious attachment and to addictive involvements (pg. 399).”  What this means is that when an adult survivor of abuse experiences shame and isolates, he/she will often feel as if they have gone back in time and feel like the abused child.  They will be anxious about attaching to others and instead become involved in addictive behaviors.

Being that a part of the co-dependent is stuck in the past, that part will always remain overwhelmed by the past traumatic experience.  What is needed is for the adult to go back to that experience and help that part overcome the trauma.  An example of this is the love addict that struggled with always picking people that didn’t really “see” him – people that were unable to step outside of themselves to appreciate this person.  He could see it especially with his supervisors and bosses.  They often discounted him.  It wasn’t until he was in therapy that he realized how his parents were “blind” to him.  They couldn’t “see” him for who he was or appreciate his individuality and uniqueness.  And that is what he ended up doing – repeating and recreating the past relationship with his parents in the present.  This is similar to the adult who was raised by emotionally unavailable parents and found other emotionally unavailable people in his/her current life.  The hook, which starts the addictive attachment, is the attempt to get the emotionally unavailable person to open up and become emotionally attached to the addict.

There is no healing in the trauma.  Every time addicts return to their addictive behaviors, they are actually recreating their trauma.  Just like hyperthermia, we no longer feel the very thing that is killing us.  As co-dependents act out in addictive behaviors, they induce a dissociative state and become numb to the very thing that is destroying the addict.  It is not a person’s normal state to use addiction as a way to live life.  The goal for the recovering person is to go through the trauma and heal from it.  By doing that, the recovering person will no longer be “stuck” in repeating the past. 

discipline, is it a dirty word?

Question:  What is the difference between discipline and compulsiveness?

            Answer:  This is an important question, since discipline is a necessary trait to develop for recovery to work within an individual.  Addicts act compulsively, not disciplined.  The difference is that to act compulsively is to be lost in the act – to do anything and expend all resources to attain the goal.  And the goal offers immediate rewards – instant gratification.  Compulsions are irresistible, always repeated and the impulse that drives the repetition seems to have a “life of its own.”  Discipline, on the other hand, is a character trait that causes the individual to control urges and do certain behaviors regardless of whether or not there is an instant pay-off.  Discipline is needed for a recovering addict to perform his/her daily spiritual practice, to use the tools of recovery (calling a sponsor or other group member, journaling, reading, going to meetings, etc), and to maintain one’s sobriety. 

Discipline is an adult trait that comes from years of training.  Since co-dependents using  love addicted or sexually compulsive behaviors are often stuck in a emotionally child-like and immature states, it is not usually a trait they have at their disposal.  What is needed, then, is for the recovering addict to learn this trait.  This comes from practice, practice, practice.  A few helpful suggestions:

·         Do your daily recovery practice with someone else – a sponsor, a recovery friend, a spouse or partner.

·         Actually schedule time everyday just for you and your recovery.  Treat that time as if you had a doctor’s appointment or therapist’s appointment.  You need this time and there is no room for rescheduling.

·         Practice delayed gratification – if you want a pizza real bad, then sit with that urge – feel it and be with it.  Try it for a minute, then two or three.  Eventually you’ll be able to sit with that urge without that urge filling you up inside.  You’ll be able to notice it, but not own it.  This kind of practice will help you develop discipline. 

Remember, discipline is not an evil word.  Even though many recovering addict’s parents used the word discipline to conjure up rigid, authoritarian, and abusive attitudes and behaviors towards their children, discipline is not like that.  Discipline is kind and loving,  Discipline is a spiritual trait, born out of that place that wants us to succeed and overcome.  Compulsive behaviors are the counterfeit – the false reflection of discipline.  There may have been a time when that was all the addict had to use, but recovery helps us to grow and mature and with that growth comes new traits, like that of discipline.

more common questions

Question:  Why is it that every time I learn new skills, or make a move forward in my recovery, I tend to slip back and end up acting out?

            Answer: Transitions in recovery always – always – will put you at risk of relapsing.  And why is that?  Because you’re doing something new.  And new behaviors, new patterns, new thoughts are just that – new.  We struggle with accepting these new skills, struggle with trusting these new tools, and are put in a somewhat vulnerable spot as we try them.  The knee-jerk reaction is to go back to the tried and true behaviors of our addiction(s).  But if you keep at it, and ask for more support during the transition period, you can make it without serious slipping and crashing. 

Transitions, by definition, are time specific.  That is, you will only be in that awkward stage for only so long.  Remember that.  This period of feeling like a fish out of water won’t last forever.  Either you will practice this new skill, new technique and gain a sense of confidence and mastery, or you will abandon it and return to the old, well-worn coping skills found in your distorted addictive thinking.  Nobody learned to walk without hitting the floor a few times.

            Question:  How do I define my bottom line behaviors as a sex addict?

Answer:  Look at the following areas in your life and answer the questions: 

·         List re-occurring sexual behaviors – with self and others.  State age of when you started with each sexual behavior.

·         How do you deal with fears of being abandoned (rejected and/ or unexplained or sudden periods of being alone)?

·         How do you deal with the sensations of being suffocated while in intimate relationship(s)?

·         List the partners you’ve had where you were obsessed with being with them, thinking about them, and really struggled to let go of them.  Now write down the behaviors you did to control that obsessiveness.  Write down how you acted around them.

·         List the partners you cheated on.  Write down how long into the relationship before you cheated on him/her, and how you treated your partner before, during and after the affair.  What kind of sexual activity did you have in the relationship versus the sexual behavior you had outside of the relationship?

·         Write down how you interact with parent(s) in present-day.  Are you the “yes” person – never disagreeing with them?  Are you the perfectionist around them?  Do you act more passive or more aggressive around them?  Do you find yourself feeling and acting more child-like when you are around them?

Those behaviors that come up over and over – that appear compulsive – and ones that make you feel crazy, out of control, ashamed or guilty for doing – those behaviors constitute your bottom-line behaviors.  Re-list these behaviors with the new heading – “My Bottom Line Behaviors.”  This list will help you focus on breaking those addictive patterns of behavior.  It may just be a starting point, but everybody needs one.